Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.
She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.
Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)
Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)
Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)
Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)
Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)
6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)
RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)
Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)
Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)
I’m sure we’ve all had those dreams where we’re walking down the sidewalk, minding our own business, and suddenly we realize we are: a) late for the calculus final and b) wearing nothing but a nightshirt.
And shoes that clash.
Accompanied by an apparently insensate, somnambulistic Hawaiian princess zombie.
Yeah, that dream: Shaun of the Dead meets Gilligan’s Island.
Actually, that would be an awesome movie.
In this scenario it’s hard to see a bright side, but if Rihanna here is simply doing research for her part in the as-yet-unannounced Shaun of the Dead/Gilligan’s Island musical, I would say we ALL win.
Sorry we’re late with this. Down with a spell of food poisoning: I should never have switched from vodka to lemonade. It was obviously too much for my system (also, lemon juice goes bad? WHO KNEW?).
This will make it all better.
Awwww. Now that you’ve recovered sufficiently, let’s move on to some adorable gossip links.
Deflowering virgins on television? Eh, it’s a living for Sandra Rinomato. Does she know Harvey? (Crasstalk)
Spirit Animals: how do they work? Help me choose between Courage Wolf and Sexually Oblivious Rhino as my mascot (raincoaster)
Pitcher? or catcher? The all-important “what to put the booze in” question just in time for picnic season (ManoloFood)
Nigella Lawson undercover. Girlfriend, jihadi chic is NOT how you do a topless beach. (Ayyyy)
This is why cutoffs were invented. There … wait … hmmm? … what was I saying? (Lolebrity)
ScarPenn/SeanJo trouble in paradise? Uh, well duh. And somewhere, Ryan Reynolds chuckles softly. (AgentBedhead)
Why do they put the coke THERE? Playboy Bunnies are dumb, yo. (BusyBeeBlogger)
No, seriously, I thought this was Carrot Top for a second. Someone needs to give Rihanna some conditioner STAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kate Middleton does a discreet Michael Jackson crotch grab, paparazzi fails to notice? (CelebritySmack)
Time’s 100 Most Influential People once again leaves me off the list. I had to beg them. Discretion is everything to me (CelebVIPLounge)
We may get our wish: Snooki is slowly vanishing! Just hang in there till 2020 and she’ll disappear entirely! (DailyStab)
Anything to get laid, eh RPattz? Dreamy McSparklepants reveals his sordid social secrets (EarSucker)
Oh look, it’s old Mae West– oh wait, it’s Xtina. That lingerie must have more technology than a typical NASA launch to keep from self-destructing. That is one whole lotta surface tension (FitFabCeleb)
Honestly, Gaga, that was so ret- … uh, developmentally challenged! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Kanye Kant (run his charity anymore, that is). Kanye West doesn’t care about other people? (HaveUHeard)
So how much DOES it cost to marry a crown prince? It’s important to do the math, people. (HollywoodHiccups)
Gwen Stefani invites science to knock her up. I know any number of labcoated genii who’d be happy to oblige (INeedMyFix)
Everyone loves a man in uniform. Or a hot lesbian. Just as long as they’re doing a Britney lipdub. (MathewGuiver)
The Britney performance the network didn’t want you to see! No, seriously, they went to commercial. (PoorBritney)
James Marsden with cuddly bunnies, chicks, etc. No, seriously, why haven’t you clicked this already? (Swoonworthy)
An Olsen Twin debuts the World’s Ugliest Pants. No seriously, the other one keeps cracking up. Guess who lost the bet in the dressing room? (TheSkinny)
Dances with Scientologists. This guy has been milking that one role for nearly 40 years now (TheSkinnyChic)
Convinced she could stick the landing, Eva Longoria instead did a faceplant instead of a triple at GMA. Her fans claim the contest was fixed, but it’s a cinch that anyone with that kind of figure was skating on thin ice with this look.
Speaking of ice, let’s drop some into a tumbler and enjoy a Triple Lutz cocktail while perusing some links that probably should be put on ice before they swell.
Stupid Girl is sick in the head (raincoaster)
This has medicinal value (ManoloFood)
That’s a very strange growth (Ayyyy)
Beaker needs a tiger blood infusion (Lolebrity)
Canadian cancer faker free? (Gawker)
Giselle gets an unsatisfactory scan (AgentBedhead)
Bringing the Bird back from Beyond (BusyBeeBlogger)
RescussiAnnie has some competition from Charlie Sheen (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Baby On Board! (CelebritySmack)
She’s not wearing her blue gown, doctor! (CelebVIPLounge)
Who needs a mammogram when you have THIS shirt? (FitFabCeleb)
I don’t care what he says, he still looks like a junkie (GirlsTalkinSmack)
100 days of sobriety? (HaveUHeard)
The uterus that ATE a Promising Career! (INeedMyFix)
Rihanna’s PET scan results are internet-ready (MathewGuiver)
Britney’s body rumours put to rest? (PoorBritney)
Ferraris are like hemorrhoids (PopBytes)
Let’s give Paul Rudd his birthday wish to cure cancer (Swoonworthy)
Making it easy for the nurse practitioner’s examination (TheSkinnyChic)
I’m in quite a mood lately, so getting through the gossip links today is gonna take a double.
If this doesn’t fix the situation in Japan, nothing will (raincoaster)
Hello. My name is Harry Potter. Prepare to die. (Lolebrity)
Rachel Ray’s hideous secret (ManoloFood)
Whoopi Goldberg is out to destroy your sanity (AgentBedhead)
Happy Birthday, AntiChrist! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Kim Kardashian will DESTROY you, Nightlife! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Madonna will KILL MALAWI BABIES! (CeleBitchy)
The AntiChrist is ready for his closeup! (DailyStab)
One lone hero against the Great Satan (FitFabCeleb)
because domestic abuse is great for ratings (EvilBeet)
The Four Hipsters of the Apocalypse? (GirlsTalkinSmack)
The Whoar! of Babylon (HaveUHeard)
RIP DJ Megatron (HollywoodHiccups)
Proud Parents of the End Times (INeedMyFix)
Kate Moss looks bad. Hell froze over after all (TheSkinny)
Apparently, time is now flowing backwards (TheSkinnyChic)
Here are the troubadours of Apocalypse (SeriouslyOMG)
She must be studying yoga intensely;, it’s really rare to see anyone as completely “centered” as fashion diva Alexa Chung.
On that note, let’s toast todays perfectly centered gossip links with a perfectly symmetrical Cross-Eyed Skull Cocktail.
Animal Hats of the Rich and Famous (raincoaster)
Oh! Livia! (Ayyyy)
The Things I Do for You People! (ManoloFood)
Darth Vader, social media master of disaster (Lolebrity)
Is this part of an LRon approved diet? (AgentBedhead)
One less candidate for Celebrity Rehab (BusyBeeBlogger)
Playgirl, RPattz, and you already clicked this didn’t you? (CelebDirtyLaundry)
No, Kat, “WeHo” isn’t a descriptor. (CelebritySmack)
Ben Affleck might have a career after all (CelebrityVIPLounge)
Some traumas you never overcome (CityRag)
Kelly Clarkson assumes holding pattern (DailyStab)
Playgirl wants to bag a Silver Fox (EarSucker)
Grizzlies don’t whine! (FitFabCeleb)
Does pigeontoe cause crosseye, Alexa? (GirlsTalkinSmack)
JUSTIN! NOT IN PUBLIC!!! (HaveUHeard)
Rihanna untapped! (HollywoodHiccups)
Stern ‘n Sexy in Rolling Stone (INeedMyFix)
The “ugly bridesmaid dress” effect, with cheerleaders! (MathewGuiver)
Blogger busts Brit-Brit cherry (PoorBritney)
The family that rehabs together… (PopBytes)
Ellen Pompeo’s bizarre nipple situation (TheSkinny)
Wrap it or suck it, Ryan (TheSkinnyChic)
I’m sorry, people, do we really have to go over this after all this time?
Charo cannot be upstaged. It cannot be done. Stop trying.
And now, it’s time for our Sexy Links. Enjoy them with a sexy cocktail like the Big Blue Sexy:
Sextradited! Julian Assange is going to Sweden! (raincoaster)
Dinner with Julian could get sexy! (Manolofood)
Steve Martin is a spammer! (raincoastermedia)
Marlon Brando is rollin’ dirty! (Lolebrity)
The King must be hard up (AgentBedhead)
Lindsay Lohan can afford a car? (BusyBeeBlogger)
How to Kreate a Kardashian (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Let them eat Paris Hilton’s birthday cake! (CelebritySmack)
Champagne wishes and caviar … nails? (CelebVIPLounge)
EVERYBODY’s a Material Girl (DailyStab)
Buy some Bieber! (Earsucker)
It’s a living, eh Natalie? (FitFabCeleb)
Kiki Drunkst spent her allowance on eyeliner (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Rosie O’Donnell is gonna have to get a job now! (HaveUHeard)
Also, she was trying to auction off her Plus One (INeedMyFix)
Is there MONEY in being an internet troll? (PoorBritney)
and for this she gets $5million a picture (SeriouslyOMG)
I’d pay good money to have seen this live (TheSkinny)