Ayyyy!

Autobiography: Good anecdote, bad reality

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a quote for the ages:

“When my mother was about 7, my grandmother locked her in the closet. So, after my mom had been in the closet for about an hour, she asked my grandmother for a glass of water. My grandmother, naturally, said ‘Why?’ and my mother said ‘Because I’ve spit all over your dresses and now I’ve run out of spit and I wanna spit all over your shoes.’ These are the people I hail from.”

— Carrie Fisher

She’s also the author of one of the best opening lines in history, “I never should have given my phone number to the guy who pumped my stomach.”

Michael Jackson gave me the BEST present (raincoaster)

Who wore it better: a Gareth Pugh model or Godzilla (Ayyyy)

Frank Sinatra vs some pasty vegan (ManoloFood)

Katy Perry won’t admit she has a problem (Lolebrity)

This part is so radioactive they may have to hire Lindsay Lohan (AgentBedhead)

Amy Winehouse was once more ambitious than you (AmyGrindhouse)

RPattz pub candid! (TheBosh)

Reese Witherspoon ups the ante with her exes (BusyBeeBlogger)

This will not end well: fag vs hag (CeleBitchy)

Nicole Richie is no Lilo, yo! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Times Square is a Snooki-free zone (CelebritySmack)

Xtina has reXamined her approach to FARDS (CityRag)

No Doubt McCartney was thrilled to the core of his being (DailyStab)

Lock up your sperm! It’s time for Dancing with the Professional Uterus (Earsucker)

This has to be the best headline I have seen in WEEKS (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Archie Leach is appalled at this! (HaveUHeard)

Kelly Osbourne is OUT of control (INeedMyFix)

Kate Moss tiptoes her way out of modeling (JustJared)

A Charlie Sheen Christmas (PopBytes)

Coolest Hogwartian casts spell on Disney World (PerezHilton)

Kate Gosselin escapes to Australia to shoot her children (Radar)

Best-dressed heads of state (Styleite)

Dita had the best Halloween costume of all this year: she went as a normal person!

Every year for Halloween I dress up as a normal girl. So this year, I wore jeans and little fleece-trimmed Ugg boot-type things and a t-shirt and a blonde wig and a tan….I went to a big party here in L.A. I went completely unrecognized, which was awesome. Not one person knew it was me. I was with my friend who’s a famous TV star and everyone was saying, ‘Can I take a picture of you?’ to him and no one asked me for a picture which was really great.

Eight Kilometers, the Justin Bieber Story (raincoaster)
John Cusack films a prequel (Lolebrity)
Paula Deen’s stoner burger (ManoloFood)
Saturday Catherinettes Caption Contest (Ayyyy)
Blade is his backup (AgentBackup)
Britney eats babies? (BusyBeeBlogger)
John Mayer’s latest victim (CeleBitchy)
The poor man’s Joaquin Phoenix hates Aniston too (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Unemployed senior gets a paying job! (CityRag)
Ginnifer Goodwin makes a slip-up (CojoStyle)
Gwyneth Paltrow is Gleeful (DailyStab)
Never Forget! (minor rock singers) (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Rihanna and Colin Farrell are so hot they crashed my Flash player (HaveUHeard)
The Eighties bite back! (INeedMyFix)
Isn’t 14 a bit young for support hose? (JustJared)
BritKink (PoorBritney)
Taylor Momsen Shakes and Bakes (SeriouslyOMG)
Emma Watson is an animal! (ASL)

Highly competitive actress Gwyneth Paltrow, pictured here at the Women in Hollywood tribute, leaned in and grabbed rival Hilary Swank, prior to powerfully flipping her coiffure-over-couture, as Swank begged for mercy. After that, she shotgunned a double vegan Apple Karate cocktail and proceeded to wipe the floor with poor Diane Keaton.

No stuffed animal would DARE do this to Gwyneth! (raincoaster)
Can’t you just see her doing this for little Moses? And little Chris? (Ayyyy)
Having Ms Paltrow for dinner? Try a gin marinade (ManoloFood)
Gwyneth wouldn’t be caught DEAD in that! (Lolebrity)
Another ice princess loses her prince (CelebrityBeehive)
Gwyneth Paltrow’s hard knock life (AgentBedhead)
Look, Gwyneth Paltrow’s sex life is none of our business (BusyBeeBlogger)
The only woman standing between Gwyneth Paltrow and her greatest dream (CeleBitchy)
Meanwhile, Gwyneth’s trashy alter personality lurks in LA (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Charlie Sheen’s night of debauchery in Gwyneth’s old room (CityRag)
Gwyneth only WISHES she looked this good (GirlsTalkingSmack)
Get your Goop on when you win these appliances (HaveUHeard)
Is this PattinClone good enough for Gwyneth? (INeedMyFix)

I know, I know.

I don’t CARE! I like him anyway: he purty. I propose a toast to Ben Affleck’s enduring aethetic appeal, and to make that toast we shall raise a glass of this newfangled Brewmaster’s Black Lager from Okanagan Springs that I just tasted today, as I was being interviewed for a podcast in the back room of a pub, which is generally the way I like to be interviewed if it can’t be on the deck of my shiny new yacht or the terrace of my beach villa in Costa Rica. Yes, black lager; that is what I call affirmative action, and I intend to affirm it as frequently as my diet will allow. This has been an un-paid-for plug inspired by Ben Affleck’s hawtness. You may now return to your regular gossip links.

Poor Elvis (Lolebrity)
Cruise with Captain Charon (raincoaster)
James Franco is a wanker (AgentBedhead)
St Angelina consoles sadly unfabulous Pakistanis (BusyBeeBlogger)
Gaga’s got some meat on her bones at last (CeleBitchy)
Oh come on; next you’ll be telling us her boobs are fake! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The caftan does JSimp no favours (CelebritySmack)
I’m on a (filthy) boat! (CityRag)
This is an awkward triangle! (CojoStyle)
Jennifer Aniston attacking by proxy (DListed)
Billy Ray Cyrus produced a goth? (GabbyBabble)
Taylor Swift has the best hair in the NFL (HaveUHeard)
Someone PLEASE give Dennis Rodman a radio show (INeedMyFix)
Some Twihard’s dreams are coming true! (PerezHilton)
Eli Roth wanted for questioning (Pajiba)
But Mommy IS white trash (PoorBritney)
So Cougartown is bi-curious now? (SeriouslyOMG)

Crystal Renn, now 50% off

via Blackbook

Yes, through the magic of Photoshop, the world’s top plus-sized model is feeling less than 100% today. About thirty pounds less.

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail:
I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Mel Gibson blames the beaver (Lolebrity)
Bad morale (NSFW!) (raincoaster)
Gatsby wanted (Manolo)
Celebrity Dads: Bale vs Fiennes (TeenyManolo)
Ho’s! (ManoloFood)
Wedding wood (ManoloBrides)
Fatboy? Slim! (ManoloBig)
What’s black and white and red and green and pink and blue and… (ManoloHome)
The Anti-Gwyneth! (AgentBedhead)
Pink black and blue (AmyGrindhouse)
Least fortunate Dita von Teese thumbnail ever (BusyBeeBlogger)
Pattinson, NOBODY cares about the nipples (CeleBitchy)
Lohan SOBER! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
The vampire facelift! (CelebCosmeticSurgery)
JLoHew, GIVE ME THAT DRESS IMMEDIATELY (CelebritySmack)
Jada stepped into a goldfish (CojoStyle)
Green Lantern black and blue (DailyStab)
Pocket Aces (EvilBeet)
Pamela Anderson does not meet provincial standards (GabbyBabble)
Wounded cougar on the loose! (HaveUHeard)
Maroon 5′s misery (INeedMyFix)
Mourning the Hills (IBBB)
So what DID Courtney wear? (PopBytes)
Let us just pray they don’t become a couple (SeriouslyOMG)

You won’t believe this. Your brain will explode from all the fabulousness on display as Tim Gunn of Project Runway tears apart the worst-loved super hero costumes of all time:

“You’d think an escape artist would want to have peripheral vision…”

“This looks so Broadway! I can just see Ann Miller tapdancing in this,” on Catwoman’s outfit. “I’m a fan of the Michelle Pfeiffer look, not the Halle Berry one. If your look is invoking the word “Halloween” that’s a sign it’s not working for you.”

And part two:

Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail:
I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.

Lindsay Lohan’s new low: cannibalism! (Lolebrity)
Celebutweet of the day: Mel Gibson (TrueSlant)
Don’t stop till you’ve got enough (raincoaster)
The magical healing power of shoes! (ShoeBlogs)
Not exactly the Dove of Peace (ManoloBig)
The sweet smell of Success! (ManoloMen)
CelebrityDad Faceoff: Bale vs Day-Lewis (TeenyManolo)
George Carlin was prescient (ManoloFood)
Reincarnating furniture (ManoloHome)
If Donnie Darko had lived, this would have been his wedding cake (ManoloBrides)
Kim Cattrall’s dream comes true (BusyBeeBlogger)
Vampires crushed by super-villain (CeleBitchy)
Switzerland is NO place for a family vacation! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Pro-Am pornstar challenge! (CelebritySmack)
Brad Pitt once again beautiful beyond the lot of mortals (DListed)
The most mind-boggling piece of clothing in the history of the world (FourFour)
The Dream is over for Christina Milian (GabbyBabble)
Angelina defends her celebucub fashionista (HaveUHeard)
Pamela Anderson is going back in time! (EvilBeet)
Cindy Crawford is not mortal! (INeedMyFix)
But Betty White IS a god! (Movieline)
Prince Harry’s ex downgrades to reality tv (UKPopSugar)
How can you be so messed up you get fired from being a rehab patient? (PopBytes)
The King and Queen of America (SeriouslyOMG)
Who got cheated on the Emmy Nominations? (SquareEyes)

I was going to make fun of this woman for dressing like a lesbionic Martian flapper, but then I looked at the fine print and realized HOLY SHIT THAT’S VERUSCHKA and she is entitled to dress any way she likes.

And now, to the technology-themed link roundup.

I’ll have you know that Jackie Chan has never seen that troll farm in his life! (Lolebrity)

Is it time to upgrade to a new Mom? (TeenyManolo)

A scientifically-enhanced Madonna choking a chicken (Shoeblogs)

YouTube needs to take the Cure (Manolobig)

Modern superfoods not so super if you ask me (Manolofood)

Weddings go Back to the Future (ManoloBride)

Everything New is Old again (ManoloHome)

A return to classics at Louis Vuitton (BusyBeeBlogger)

Dakota Fanning travels forward in time (CeleBitchy)

Elton John was on hold for 43 years (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Kim Kardashian, new and improved (DailyStab)

Modern medicine + Twitter = EW! (EvilBeet)

Kick Ass 2.0 (GabbyBabble)

Alien Couture Blazer of the Future (HaveUHeard)

Canadians are fashion-forward (INeedMyFix)

Internet to blogger, internet to blogger… (IBBB)

Boy George has been using that I Hate Megan Fox app (SeriouslyOMG)

Prince shuts down his website, probably issued press release via carrier pigeon (Bossip)

Trent Reznor is the Anti-Prince (AgentBedhead)

The science of Ozzy Osbourne (AllieIsWired)

Lilo’s twitter account needs an upgrade from “Horribly Tacky” (AmyGrindhouse)

America, at this precise moment in time (BestWeekEver)

Reznor 2.0 on the way (BricksAndStones)

Rachel Dratch 2.0 on the way (CelebrityBabyScoop)

The future of Old Dude tv (CelebrityBeehive)

Hate Megan Fox? There’s an app for that (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Don Johnson is a New Math genius! (CelebrityMound)

Mel Gibson vs technology (CelebritySmack)

Re-engineering the Calendar Girl (CelebVIPLounge)

Practical science for Lindsay Lohan (CelebSlam)

What, there are people who still use these? (CityRag)

Some icons are worth preserving (CrazyDays&Nights)

Thanks to modern science, we know what a catsuit made of Skittles looks like (Crunk&Disorderly)

Colin Farrell looks into the future (DListed)

Blogger vs Viacom (FourFour)

War of the Nerds (Gawker)

Alien Couture of the Future (GoFugYourself)

Cameron Diaz encounters Alien Growth Ray (HollywoodBackwash)

Amy Winehouse’s home-made cigarette carrier (HollywoodRag)

Scarjo channels Bardot (HollywoodTuna)

The Dion Spawn has been scanned (ImNotObsessed)

Tori Spelling has the very latest thing in wheels (JanetCharlton)

Ziyi Zhang transforms into sport star! (JustJared)

Fun with photos (of billionaires and their supermodels) (LaineyGossip)

The internet drives some people crazy (MaterialBitch)

If he could turn back time (MovieLine)

Vintage Bieber. No, that is not a typo (PerezHilton)

Test tube babydaddy Ronaldo (PinkIsTheNewBlog)

Amy Winehouse returns to the past as she steps into the future (UKPopSugar)

New priestly crime not the same as the old priestly crime (WizbangPop)

Blogger of the moment, in the mo (PopBytes)

Medical science to solve mystery kidnapping (RadarOnline)

Cedric Diggory is a trending topic? (ASL)

It’s like America’s Funniest Home Videos, courtesy of YouTube (SquareEyes)

Download Sheryl Too Thin and Too Tan Crow (TenGossip)

Cameron Diaz uses ancient sexual technique (TheBosh)

Kate Moss’s better living through chemistry (TheSkinny)

All of YouTube vs Xtina (WorldofWonder)

Twitpics of the Rich and Famous (YoungBlackAndFabulous)

Just in case you’ve ever wondered what our ancestors saw in high-waisted pants, here’s Tom Jones to clarify, in eye-ripping orange.

and now, your gossip link roundup:

Why do they love Michael Jackson so much? (TrueSlant)

Celine and Cher stare into the past and the future (Lolebrity)

Secret Love (TheManolo)

Love animals? (ManoloHome)

Who loves School Food? (ManoloFood)

Love to hate this type (ManoloBrides)

Leg-loving men (ManoloMen)

Which celebrity dad do you love best? (TeenyManolo)

Love the model, hate the artist? (ManoloBig)

Pigs in love (raincoaster)

Shirley loves Kristen (AgentBedhead)

Whitney Port’s new look: Love it or Leave it? (AmyGrindhouse)

Love floats? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Worst Guy in the World finds Love (CeleBitchy)

Everybody loves Susan Boyle (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

We all love to watch Paris go down (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Give your heavy metal patriotism some love (CelebritySmack)

Granny will love this (CojoStyle)

Gerard Butler speaks out about his secret love (DailyStab)

Don’t you love a good Lilo fight? (DListed)

Amy Winehouse, slave to love (EvilBeet)

Karl Lagerfeld’s advice on love’s little side-effects (FakeKarl)

Betty White loves LeBron and Cleveland (GabbyBabble)

Britney LOVES her coffee (GoFugYourself)

Rihanna shows the Look of Love (HaveUHeard)

Somebody’s in love with Matt Damon (INeedMyFix)

Mel Gibson loves four letter words (IBBB)

Men love Marisa Miller (JustJared)

Sending our love to Back to the Future: Happy 25th! (Movieline)

Love among the Vampires (UKPopSugar)

Everybody loves Liza! (PopBytes)

Nobody loves Stephen Fry’s new look (SeriouslyOMG)

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