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Story Time: Michael Bublé Edition

Yes, that is how he used to look at me. Eat your heart out.

Yes, that is how he used to look at me. Eat your heart out.

Not too long ago I was trawling through this very blog, replacing now-deleted YouTube videos, and I came across this awesome cover of “To Love Somebody” by Michael Buble. Bublé. Sorry, Mike.

 

Yes, I call him Mike. We’re likethis, I tell ya.

No, we aren’t. But we used to work together, so let me tell you an exclusive story about Michael Bublé, from the days when he was just an embittered aspiring entertainer by night, embittered experienced barista by day. The looks he throws in that video remind me of him back then. Because (sigh) he used to look at me that way.

100% bullshit free.

He used to work at the Pacific Centre Starbucks in downtown Vancouver, a seriously busy location with a clientele of stockbrokers and high-powered financial types who had no time to shoot the breeze or hang around chatting with the barista about his Other Life (Everyone at Starbucks has an Other Life; one of their district managers sings opera and in fact toured Japan in Aida, and let me tell you it helps a long night of inventorying along when he busts out the Mozart). So there wasn’t a lot of communal goodwill swirling about the shop, and the people working there tended to be more stressed and less happy than baristas in other stores. They’ve since redesigned it so it’s much more conducive to sitting and talking, but at the time it was a pretty industrial-looking takeout, high volume coffee stop and that’s it.

I was there picking up some spare shifts. I was notorious for picking up extra work anywhere, everywhere, and routinely received talkings-to about it, because a barista working at time and a half or double time or even (once, gloriously) triple time costs a lot, but then they’d never hire enough staff to cover all those shifts, so they had to let me take them or just give up on the money to be made.

I always liked working Pacific Centre, and for only one reason: Michael Bublé. Not even joking. And here’s why.

He was an absolute joy to work with. Oh, god forbid he be some smiley maniac muttering “Bless you and have a GREAT day!” Oh no. Never. That’s not what I mean At. All.

He was a joy to work with because we were both embittered bitches who loathed the demands of quotidian reality as a pair of baristas (well, I was a lead, now called a shift supervisor; he was a lowly barista). They asked him to be a lead, but he refused. Of course they did; he was clearly highly intelligent, had a high energy level, and people loved him. He said straight out that he didn’t want to take on any more responsibility at work than he had to; he knew his priorities were elsewhere. And this was in the 90′s, the days where everyone was supposed to throw their whole being into doing whatever banal tasks the company asked, because we were BUILDING TOMORROW! With lattes.

Oh yeah, and all the girls and half of the boys had crushes on him. Even the straight ones. He had that brooding Emo Snape thing going on without even trying, and he was both smart as a whip and funny as…there aren’t any great embittered wits around anymore, have you noticed? But there were elements of Stephen Wright about him sometimes, and an awful lot of Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw in his black moods. Michael was like a cat, a sleek black cat that sits in the corner judging you.

He liked me because I was a bitch like him.

He told me he turned down the promotion and why, and said he liked, no, needed, to be able to go on auditions several times a week and was deliberately putting in the amount of work elsewhere that it took to keep a roof over his head and no more than that. He’s a good-looking fellow, so I assumed it was acting auditions, but he corrected me. I asked what kind of music he did, and he replied:

“Nothing that anyone wants to hear, apparently.”

Yeah, so next time your talented friend is thinking of pitching it all to become a middle manager at Walmart or wherever, tell him about the time Michael Bublé told his co-worker that nobody wanted to listen to his music.

61 million plays for this song. Probably NOT all his parents, eh?

Lily Allen comes out

Lily Allen's new look is sending a message

Lily Allen’s new look is sending a message

Dedicated scenester and comeback aspirant Lily Allen sent a powerful visual message yesterday while attending the BAFTAs. The message confirmed long-held rumours in the celebusphere.  It’s time, her outfit screamed, to take back our power, to flaunt our true nature, to throw off the disguises that have, for so long, allowed us to pass as other than what we truly are.

We are Reptiles. And we are proud.

Addicts of Mugwump fluid are known as Reptiles. A number of these flow over chairs with their flexible bones and black-pink flesh. A fan of cartilage covered with hollow, erectile hairs through which the Reptiles absorb the fluid sprouts from behind each ear. The fans, which move from time to time touched by invisible currents, serve also some form of communication known only to Reptiles.

In those days of grey terror the Reptiles dart about faster and faster, scream past each other at supersonic speed, their flexible skulls flapping in black winds of insect agony. The Dream Police disintegrate in globs of rotten ectoplasm swepty away by an old junky, goughing nad spitting in the sick morning. The Mugwump Man comes with alabaster jars of fluid and the Reptiles get smoothed out.

The air is once again still and clear as glycerine.

And that, dear readers, is probably the most accurate description of a night and next morning at Lily Allen’s house the world has ever seen. It’s hard out here for a Reptile.


To read more about Lily’s heretofor secret life, pick up this handy guide.

Pray for Miley

Miley is writhey

Miley is writhey

Poor countrypop caterwauler Miley Cyrus seemed to be in a bad way at the opening of her Bangerz tour in Vancouver. Not only did budget cuts force her to make her entrance riding an Aldi hot dog instead of the scheduled white stallion, but it later became clear, from her uncomfortable fidgeting atop this and various other props, that the poor girl was suffering a brutal infection, and needed to see a doctor urgently. No wonder she opened the tour in Canuckistan, home of socialized Kwellada.

That looks painful. For once, I feel bad for the guys in gynecology row. Look at that guy on the left. He hates himself so much right now.

Miley should see a doctor about that rash

Miley should see a doctor about that rash

Once you’re cured, dear, please take note: THIS is how you writhe to a country song.

Music made moving

 

What fresh Heck is this, y'all?

What fresh Heck is this, y’all?

Mistress Tongue and the Acoustic Mayhem made their appearance on MTV Unplugged, and sadly the same word applied to our ears. Fortunately we found the remote after a mere 90 seconds of this caterwauling travesty and didn’t have to endure the torture any longer.

Now, I may be old and crochety, but it seems to me that if you’re going to go back to the 90′s for inspiration like Unplugged, there are better ways to combine top contemporary performers with vintage cool.

This, for instance.

Starring my old friend Mike from Vancouver. And also:

NEVER FORGET!

Dude looks like…another dude!

Steven Tyler's had a career change

Steven Tyler’s had a career change

We here at Ayyyy.com would like to congratulate showbiz legend Steven Tyler on his latest gig, playing stand up gigs along the Vegas strip in the character of now-fallen fashion icon John Galliano.

John Galliano defies you to finish that sentence

Hello. My Name is John Galliano. You keeled my career. Prepare to die!

The Golden Gifs

Did I watch the Golden Globes? Are you kidding, that’s what recappers are for! But I did do a roundup of the best Golden Globes themed GIFs (hard G, y’all) and pick out the biggest loser, fashion-wise, so you’re welcome.

If, like me, you missed the whole thing, watch this video that recaps it in ninety seconds flat. Like me.

Let’s start with respected theatre and motion picture actress Emma Thompson seen here demonstrating her classical RADA training in how to make an unforgettable entrance.

Also making a memorable entrance was Elisabeth Moss on the ManiCam (the ManiCam is a thing? Jesus, take the wheel).

Elisabeth Moss and the ManiCam

Elisabeth Moss and the ManiCam

The evening’s theme was “Negging,” flawlessly demonstrated here by my boy Bono.

Bono No Go

Bono No Go

Everybody’s least favorite heiress (after Paris Hilton) jumped on the negging trend; it will no doubt form the centerpiece of an episode of Girls in the near future.

Leah Don't Play That Way

Leah Don’t Play That Way

Other celebs to leap aboard the negging juggernaut included:

Tommy Lee Jones

Protip: he's really not into you

Protip: he’s really not into you

and the normally-sunny Julia Louis Dreyfuss

JLewDry and ReeWi

JLewDry and ReeWi

as well as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the hosts.

Emma Watson knows it's coming

Emma Watson knows it’s coming

It's Mean Girls Live!

It’s Mean Girls Live!

was it good for you too, Emma Watson?

was it good for you too, Emma Watson?

Satisfying. In fact, negging on Taylor was a sub-plot all night. That spirit is embodied here in Everyone’s New Favorite Spunky Blonde, Jennifer Lawrence.

Jlaw vs TaySwi

Jlaw vs TaySwi

Negging on JLaw’s couture Dior dress was a Thing as well, although it was not a GIF. Still, amusing and accurate.

We don't Love it and yes I know that's badminton not tennis. Shut up.

We don’t Love it and yes I know that’s badminton not tennis. Shut up.

The World’s Most Perfect Person negged her own shoes, and they were Louboutins, and went on to neg the entire process of awards-presentation, but of course she did it flawlessly!

Emma

Emma


Emma  is Telling You Things

Emma is Telling You Things


Emma  has her priorities straight

Emma has her priorities straight


Emma wants a refill

Emma wants a refill

And it all ended happily ever after.

Amy and Bono sitting in a tree

Amy and Bono sitting in a tree

Unless your name is Ali Hewson, of course.

Happy Halloween from the Crypt!

Kate Moss Jamie Hince and Lila

Kate Moss Jamie Hince and Lila Grace

Now THIS is an adorable family group of Halloween costumes. Lila is a zombie, Kate Moss is Helena Bonham Carter’s Period, and Jamie Hince is a dead ringer for Pete Doherty.

Friday Musical Post: Nick Pitera’s This Is Halloween

No caption contest today, since we’re still backlogged from last week, but if you feel like busting out your keyboards to this, by all means go ahead.

We are longtime fans of Pixar’s dreamboatiest animator, Nick Pitera, who has a voice like a nightingale, a thrush, a redwinged blackbird, a canary, a bittern, and at least a few goldfinches as well. You doubt? Then you’ve never come across the king of YouTube self-harmonies. Heck, the man can self-fugue!

Here he is performing “This Is Halloween” from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas. Who are all the other singers? Nick Pitera. Spooooky!

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