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Rockers and Popstars | Ayyyy! - Part 5
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Lost and Found!

This is terrifying and sad, readers. It is nothing more nor less than the death of childhood. Turns out Snufalupagus, everyone’s secret favorite Sesame Street character, has finally turned up, in the most tragic way possible.

SNUFFY!!!!

SNUFFY!!!!

I mean, that’s not even a good colour for Aretha!

Bangin’

Bang on, Taylor Swift!

Bang on, Taylor Swift!

LOVE the hair, love the makeup, the shoes would be better if they fit and didn’t look so much like a stripper’s figure skates, and the dress is lovely.

However.

Worst. QuadraBoobie. Evar!

RIP Flattus Maximus

Flattus Maximus = Flattus Linus

Flattus Maximus = Flattus Linus

Yes, GWAR guitarist Flattus Maximus (also known as Cory Smoot) has left the planet. When not Christmas Caroling with his heavy metal bandmates, Flattus was one of the most respected musicians ever to wear latex Triceratops epaulets, and his loss will be felt by many, particularly those who’ve always been after his job.

It’s amazing what some people will do to get out of playing Edmonton.

 

and THIS is why they call it “fierce”

Marta Marzotto

Marta Marzotto

Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.

She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.

The Importance of Being Guido: in which transcripts from the Jersey Shore are read in the style of Oscar Wilde(raincoaster)

Rihanna’s Waking Nightmare looks strangely like most of mine, actually (Ayyyy)

Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)

That Kardashian Style! On display at closing time in bars everywhere (Lolebrity)

Worst TV Show Openings; why do I just know there will be a lot of 80′s in there? (Crasstalk)

Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)

Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)

Those British coroners can make a mystery out of ANYTHING, can’t they? (DailyStab)

Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)

Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)

6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Mister President, I am here to serve. That’s why I brought these kneepads (HaveUHeard)

RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)

Prince Hot Ginge at the races; Ladies, start your engines! (INeedMyFix)

Linnocent can’t afford therapy, because Saint Tropez is expensive, dammit! (PopBytes)

Bloggers take note: Alan Rickman appreciation=automatic inclusion in the links. Got it? (SwoonWorthy)

Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)

Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

The Un-Blushing Bridesmaid

The Unblushing Bridesmaid
The Unblushing Bridesmaid

Lily Allen has always been known as the “Dirt with angelic face” singer, and it’s nice to see she comes by it honestly. This is what her sister chose to wear to Lily’s wedding yesterday, keeping up the standard of class, but of unspecified altitude.

Then again, maybe she had the dress fitted before she got the boobs fitted. And serve her right if she couldn’t breathe all night.

I dunno about you, but I definitely feel in need of something strong to wash that out of my mind’s eye. I recommend the Nuptial Cocktail and some gossip links.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Happy 48th Birthday, Johnny Depp!

Johnny Depp birthday boy

Johnny Depp birthday boy

Happy birthday to Johnny Depp, everyone’s favorite artsy pirate. I love this picture, both for the ripped knee (even though it’s so obviously done for fashion, rather than simply worn through and I normally hate that) and for the fact that THANK GOD my invisibility cloak worked and you can’t see what Johnny’s smiling at.

Ahem.

Let’s toast the birthday with a truly delicious Blue Jeans cocktail and some celebrity gossip:

Did I say I was finished with Julian Assange? Oh baby, I haven’t even STARTED yet. Here are his delicious links (insert dirty play on words of your choice here) plus more evidence he thinks of himself as Bill the Galactic Hero. (raincoaster)

Guess the Mystery Feet! This is a former A-lister with Garbo-esque tendencies and major sex appeal. Also: you KNOW what they say about men with long toes… (Ayyyy)

Will it saber? With a massive freakin’ Kenyan Spearhead? You bet your sweet bippy it will! GI Joe meets Funnest Bartender On Earth in the latest in the beloved YouTube series starring Matt Stache. (ManoloFood)

Arianna Huffington is so trendy! She’s seen here attempting to drain a media rival of blood. Bad news, Ari: you’re thirty years too late! (Lolebrity)

Caption Obama and his new best friend. Captioning iz hard, yo! (Crasstalk)

II, Claudius. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a sequel for everything. (AgentBedhead)

Can a blogger get a Like, y’all? Vote for sleepy Bee and win eternal gratitude and possibly backlinks! (BusyBeeBlogger)

11 things you did not know about Jennifer Hudson but were obviously too afraid to ask, right? I mean, she’s pretty intimidating since the Oscar and all, eh? God, that woman terrifies me. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cocaine is a helluva drug. This is not a repeat from 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007… (CelebritySmack)

The Social Climber Formerly Known as Kate Middleton is not resting on her laurels. In fact, her laurels are shrinking. (CelebVIPLounge)

And the #1 thing you didn’t know about Jennifer Hudson: she was hospitalized today. (DailyStab)

Insufferable celebrity complains about insufferable celebrities who complain about people. Fuckit, I only click to Taylor Swift stories for eyeliner tips. (EarSucker)

Billboard becomes target. As Bieliebers descend upon convenience stores nationwide in hormone-crazed fugue state, actual magazine readers suffer. (FitFabCeleb)

Is your Bichon Frise a total Celine-diva? Your Rottweiler ready for prime time? Your Vizla good enough for The Voice? Yes, it’san Animal Lip Dub video contest! (HelloGiggles)

Russell Crowe is no Roundhead! Team Cavalier here! In other news, if he ever tweets his penis we’ll all be able to pick it out of a lineup more easily, so thanks for that, Russ! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Put yourself in Shania Twain’s shoes. Literally. (HaveUHeard)

Selina Gomez is taking desperate measures to protect herself from Bieber fans. What, no “exhaustion” dearie? (HollywoodHiccups)

Ryan Reynolds is INSATIABLE! Yeah, it’s a clickbaiting headline. What, you expected more from me? (INeedMyFix)

Britney covers Madonna. No, it doesn’t mean that, you perv. Although I did think of leading with “Britney ON Madonna” as I’m all clickbaity today. (PoorBritney)

Goopy on Teh Ghehs. Because that’s ALL they need. (PopBytes)

48 sexy shots of Johnny Depp. In other news it’s Johnny Depp’s birthday, but why am I still typing? You’re not gonna read anything past that link, are you? (SwoonWorthy)

Shania Twain goes down. That’s a three-point landing the hard way. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

The Lady Vanishes!

LeAnn Rimes with whatever rhymes with skeleton

LeAnn Rimes with whatever rhymes with skeleton

She’s obviously been working on her washboard…sternum. Congratulations, LeAnn, your preparations for the Crapture are going well: ain’t no way any zombie would look at you twice. There’s obviously no good eating there, even if you’re just looking for brains.

Let’s wash out our brains with a good old-fashioned and extremely fattening Zombie cocktail while reading about LeAnn’s fellow celebrity sufferers.

Celebrities love Chihuahuas! Trembling, fanged mole rat things. Guess what? I don’t. (raincoaster)

Celebrities love their mommies…until they grow up to hate them and have to share the pool boy and the coke with them and DINA LOHAN I AM LOOKING AT YOU. (Ayyyy)

Celebrities love Canuck Coffee. Hey hoser, Red Green is one sex-ay hunk of man meat, eh? I’d let him take a penalty shot any time, know what I mean? Eh? (ManoloFood)

Celebrities will kick you when you’re down. Vincent Price, Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff walk into a funeral…and pick on my favorite sexy Romanian. TEAM BELA!!! (Lolebrity)

Celebrities finally find something that’ll get them off Twitter. We don’t mean to imply they’ll be Raptured, just that it’s hard to tweet while running from zombies. (raincoastermedia)

Celebrities get cancelled! And a damn good thing, too, otherwise we’d never shut the tube off and go outside. Or at least to the internet. Where we Follow all the same celebrities on Twitter. So, yeah. (Crasstalk)

Celebrities get into fights and get their asses handed to them on Twitter just like normal people. What, you’re not like that? Um, no. Me either. (AgentBedhead)

Celebrities like to embarrass one another on camera. Ted Nugent pwns Mike Huckabee over petting a pussy. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrities have ALL dated John Mayer. No, really. All of them. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Celebrities used to look a lot better. Back before they invented HD video, that is. (CelebritySmack)

Celebrities are not men. They are Has-Beens! (CelebVIPLounge)

Celebrities love those fanged naked mole rats even better when they’re in slippers. Puppehs in slippers. PUPPIES IN SLIPPERS, PEOPLE! (CityRag)

Celebrities have embarrassing relatives. Just like us! Which reminds me of Oscar Wilde’s saying that we, all of us, have embarrassing friends, and we are all, each of us, somebody’s embarrassing friend. (DailyStab)

Celebrities get their heads photoshopped on other peoples’ bodies. Just like us? Um…well…you haven’t met my friends yet, have you? But I bet you’ve seen them (photoshopped) naked. Damn, I’ve gotta get off Facebook. (EarSucker)

Celebrities like to punk the nation from time to time. As if making us look at his hair weren’t punishment enough. (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrities have way better cars than we do. I’m MORTIFIED Amber Rose has a better car than I ever will. Surely once she sits down she’s not a star anymore? For her and the Kardashians, someone should invent a car you can drive with your ass hanging out. The public demands it. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Celebrities do stupid things when they’re teenagers. They also do them when they’re grown up, but then nobody wants to see them topless anyway. Someone PLEASE tell Mickey Rourke this. (HaveUHeard)

Celebrities mortify their children to the point where they disown their parents. This will not end well. At least he didn’t change it to “Patrick Smith.” (HollywoodHiccups)

Celebrities really, really want to concentrate on their music. OH GOD WON’T YOU PEOPLE LEAVE SPARKLES ALONE? He just wants to be emo in peace. (INeedMyFix)

Celebrities are dorks. Especially to poor, addled Paula Abdul. (MathewGuiver)

Celebrities do NOT “eat anything I want” and “never work out.” They build the pyramids before lunch and then tear them down again after the protein smoothie, just to look good for you. God! You’re so demanding! (PoorBritney)

Celebrities get into bar fights. Well, only Lohans and Kardashians, but really who can tell the difference anymore? They’re two families in search of a trailer park. (PopBytes)

Celebrities are birds of a feather. For, you know, enough in sponsorships and promotion, they sure are. (ReallyRich)

Celebrity blind item. Geddit? Oh, why are you still here when there’s a half-naked man on the other side of the link? (Swoonworthy)

Celebrities appear to be morphing into Marie Osmond. At least this one does. Remember when she used to be hot? (TheSkinny)

Celebrities: they’re only human. Well, the Canadian ones are. I mean, check out that Red Green video at the top of the links. That’s no Greek God. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

One of these things is not like the others

John Paul George and Loser

John Paul George and Loser

Ringo always had a propensity to play the fool unwittingly; it was this and not his equally regrettable penchant for country music, that led to the endless “but without Ringo, they could have gone far” arguments.

Oh Ringo.
Oh Ringo.

Poor dweeb. Let’s drink to Ringo with a Ringo Cocktail (much better than a John, a Paul, or a George, it must be said) and distract ourselves from the pathetic meaninglessness of existence with some gossip links.

Hideous video proof of the atavistic survival of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Cthulhu-worshipping Deep Ones. In related news, not all Brazilians are attractive in bikinis. Who knew? (raincoaster)

Saturday Caption Contest: Janice Dickinson. Caption this avatar of style and grace for fantastic, completely imaginary prizes (Ayyyy)

VODKANAPPING!!! I repeat: VODKANAPPING! Have you seen this Crystal Head vodka roaming the Californian countryside? If so, forget the police and call me: I’ll bring Campari. Negroni time, baby! (ManoloFood)

Severus Snape schools Voldemort. Oh, this will not end well: probably in slash, in fact. Yes, all wizard battles should be settled in X-rated slash fanfics, if you axe me which I note you did not but you should anyway. Not that I would write that. Well, not for free, anyway (Lolebrity)

Anthony Burgess is more prolific than you FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!! Seriously, won’t this dude ever let up? What’s his fucking problem anyway? (Crasstalk)

Handy-dandy how to handle internet drama tips for fun and/or profit. Or just cheap laughs sometimes (raincoastermedia)

Lady Gaga’s shoes almost outed Ryan Seacrest. Finally, she performs a useful social function. Almost. Insert tortured Cinderella/sex toy/Freudian metaphor here (AgentBedhead)

Matthew Perry attempts to focus on sobriety. It’s a lot easier to focus when you close one eye, dude. I uh, read it somewhere. (BusyBeeBlogger)

The Wisteria Sisters strike again! Kate Middleton’s sister climbs into the ranks of the aristocracy (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Wonder Woman is Dead!!! And the universe strokes its adamantium bracelets and goes “dodged a bullet there”. (CelebritySmack)

The Gouvernator has a plus one. Or two. Or three. Or, really, how desperate ARE the women of California? Seriously! (CelebVIPLounge)

Ashton Kutcher cast in Two and a Half Men. He has tons of experience being the baby of the family, so this should work out well. (DailyStab)

Mariah Carey almost loses her twin unicorn babies! Child Protection Services are just a bunch of big ol’ anti-partyite poopooheads. (EarSucker)

KK and KO show off the latest in “capable of withstanding incredible horizontal tension” couture. Sponsored by Azzedine Alaia for Michelin and the Jaws of Life. (FitFabCeleb)

14 celebs getting their drank on! Cheers, we’ll drink to that. To the point where we can’t see Snooki’s burnt mug clearly anymore and can go to sleep happy. In related news, Irish Pajamas is a thing (GirlsTalkinSmack)

This isn’t the first time a police escort has taken a 16-year-old home, but it’s the first time Ryan Seacrest’s dream ever came to actual life knowmasayin? (HaveUHeard)

The Muppets are back, bitchez! Lock up your stuffed toys and hide your anthropomorphic pets! (HollywoodHiccups)

Britney’s Dramamobile is on display. But then, so is everything of Britney’s, all the damn time. (PoorBritney)

Ashton Kutcher will have you know he’s a man of parts. And you can see most of them in this picture. (SwoonWorthy)

 

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