Just in case you’ve ever wondered what our ancestors saw in high-waisted pants, here’s Tom Jones to clarify, in eye-ripping orange.

and now, your gossip link roundup:

Why do they love Michael Jackson so much? (TrueSlant)

Celine and Cher stare into the past and the future (Lolebrity)

Secret Love (TheManolo)

Love animals? (ManoloHome)

Who loves School Food? (ManoloFood)

Love to hate this type (ManoloBrides)

Leg-loving men (ManoloMen)

Which celebrity dad do you love best? (TeenyManolo)

Love the model, hate the artist? (ManoloBig)

Pigs in love (raincoaster)

Shirley loves Kristen (AgentBedhead)

Whitney Port’s new look: Love it or Leave it? (AmyGrindhouse)

Love floats? (BusyBeeBlogger)

Worst Guy in the World finds Love (CeleBitchy)

Everybody loves Susan Boyle (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

We all love to watch Paris go down (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Give your heavy metal patriotism some love (CelebritySmack)

Granny will love this (CojoStyle)

Gerard Butler speaks out about his secret love (DailyStab)

Don’t you love a good Lilo fight? (DListed)

Amy Winehouse, slave to love (EvilBeet)

Karl Lagerfeld’s advice on love’s little side-effects (FakeKarl)

Betty White loves LeBron and Cleveland (GabbyBabble)

Britney LOVES her coffee (GoFugYourself)

Rihanna shows the Look of Love (HaveUHeard)

Somebody’s in love with Matt Damon (INeedMyFix)

Mel Gibson loves four letter words (IBBB)

Men love Marisa Miller (JustJared)

Sending our love to Back to the Future: Happy 25th! (Movieline)

Love among the Vampires (UKPopSugar)

Everybody loves Liza! (PopBytes)

Nobody loves Stephen Fry’s new look (SeriouslyOMG)

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• Tom Jones: Chicken Thief (manolith.com)

Still more lifelike than Mickey Rourke.

Psst: if you’re a gossip blogger who’d rather drink than link, drop me a line; I’m offering a 3-5x a week link service.

George Lazenby vs the disabled (TrueSlant)

Gwyneth Paltrow, title queen (Lolebrity)

The true secret of contemporary fashion? (TheManolo)

No honour among food bloggers (ManoloFood)

Wicked Witch of the West Hits The Disco shoes (ManoloBig)

Open new possibilities (ManoloHome)

Celebrity Dad Faceoff: Will Arnett vs Christian Bale (TeenyManolo)

Don’t sweat it, Bride (ManoloBrides)

Meeting the terrifying Nina Simone (JessicaGotlieb)

Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and me (Jasperante)

Bruce Willis’s boozeshake brings all the rummies to the yard (BusyBeeBlogger)

Short pregnancy for Alicia Keys (CeleBitchy)

Paltrow seeks penpals! (AgentBedhead)

World 25% less Kink-y (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Ew, JLoHew! (CojoStyle)

Boxers or briefs, Orlando Bloom? (PopBytes)

Emma Watson is hardcore! (Gawker)

Jason Bateman does the walk of shame (INeedMyFix)

Dakota Fanning soon to be nude (HaveUHeard)

Mickey Rourke replaced by human! (SeriouslyOMG)

While I adore Richard Branson and Dita von Teese, I do not think one could  accuse either of them of being particularly literal-minded.

Yes, it’s a special request Hump Day Hunk; normally we don’t take requests, but this was persuasively phrased and besides, we just like looking at Owen Wilson as often as humanly possible, so here. The nice suit and Keds look was invented for this man.

Tupac dodged a bullet…oh, wait. (Lolebrity)

It’s baaaaaack! (Manolo)

Ray Bradbury, interior decorator (ManoloHome)

Calling opinionated brides (ManoloBrides)

Suck it, Australia! (ManoloBig)

I hope they weren’t used! (TeenyManolo)

Manorexia’s poster boys (AgentBedhead)

Stop the presses: Tila Tequila is dumb???? (AllieIsWired)

Justin Bieber is black (AmyGrindhouse)

Stop the presses: Megan Fox is dumb???? (BricksAndStones)

John Travolta and Kelly Preston replace purse dogs with baby (BusyBeeBlogger)

Wait, Megan Fox really IS dumb (CeleBitchy)

The incredible, buoyant boobies! (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

How today’s stars will age (MSNBC)

Dame Elizabeth: Cowboy boots, muumuu, and a king’s ransom in gems (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Stop the presses: Lindsay Lohan’s parole officer is dumb???? (CelebritySmack)

Stop the presses: Bristol Palin’s clients are dumb??? (CelebVIPLounge)

Six Degrees of STDs (CityRag)

Woody Allen’s threesome (CojoStyle)

We nose, NeNe! (Crunk&Disorderly)

Jennifer Aniston has rhinoplasty by photoshop (DailyStab)

Queen of the prom…in San Quentin, in about two months (DListed)

Don’t let her near the diamonds! (Lainey)

This man is my HERO! (EvilBeet)

Stop the presses: Eliza Dushku fans are dumb??? (GabbyBabble)

Stop the presses: Kennedys DRINK??? (Gawker)

Diaper jodhpurs are NEVER a good idea (GoFugYourself)

Red Carpet Slideshow (HaveUHeard)

Prince of Pers- oooooh, sorry, what was I saying? (INeedMyFix)

Hamlet was bulimic? (IBBB)

Ryan Gosling’s blue movie (JustJared)

Edgar Allan Poe’s had a little work done (LitelySalted)

Who you gonna call? (MovieLine)

Johnny Depp in your face! (PerezHilton)

Kylie is magic (PinkIsTheNewBlog)

Robert Pattinson on Ellen??? (UKPopSugar)

Marion Cotillard has a sackful of mystery (PopBytes)

Lindsay will have to pull a Polanski (Radar)

Jake is trying to get my attention (SeriouslyOMG)

Ryan Reynolds wears the ugliest superhero costume of all time (TenGossip)

And, since you made it all the way to the bottom, you deserve some more Hump Day eye candy. Say hello to the future Mister raincoaster.

Ah, Dino: my dream man. Except for the being married thing. And the smoking. And being dead. And thus unable to mix me a medicinal tonic. Yeah, other than that, perfect.

I could use a medicinal tonic or six. You may have heard that I’ve been under the weather, and from the way I feel, the weather was wearing studded body armor at the time. I’m still not 100%, but with the help of a good man and/or a good pharmacist and/or a good bartender, I hope to have things back to normal around here relatively soon. And so, to the links.

Malcolm McLaren, the best mayor London never had (TrueSlant)

Eli Roth, regular guy (Lolebrity)

Marilyn Manson is SHOCKED! SHOCKED I SAY! (AgentBedhead)

Elizabeth Taylor is still on the market, boys! (AmyGrindhouse)

Johnny Weir is no size queen (BusyBeeBlogger)

Coco returns! (CeleBitchy)

Dick van Dyke raps! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Downey, Junior, is a hottie (CelebritySmack)

More sex, more city (DailyStab)

Oprah was slumming (DListed)

Gleeful engagement (HaveUHeard)

Isn’t Kenny Rogers 100? (INeedMyFix)

Snooki keeps it real (IBBB)

Christina Aguilera is not herself (JustJared)

Britney in the Circus tent (PoorBritney)

Cougartown is handsy. Or is that pawsy? (UKPopSugar)

Don’t forget to enter the Caption Contest and win fabulous, completely imaginary prizes!

Sure, why not? I bet this will be the bestest blog post about fishing hats of the rich and famous that the world has ever seen. Because there’s a googlewhack if ever I heard one. Note we are not talking about hats made of fish; we’ve already covered those!

Charlie Chaplin in Ireland:

Cuba Gooding Junior, whose dapper felt chapeau does not agree with his funky jams At. All. and someone has to tell him so and it might as well be me:

Click onward to see Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway, Barons, Models, and assorted Royalty:

(more…)

Yes, yes, boring I know. Herbal tea gossip links just don’t have the dash of cocktail links, but what can I say? I’m giving my liver a month off for bad behaviour. It’s probably snorting Drano with Lindsay Lohan in Ibiza right this very moment.

Here’s a pic of Old Four Eyes to soften the disappointment.

Who Will Be the Olympic Torchbearer? (True/Slant)

Sandra Bullock’s Sure-Fire Oscar Strategy (Lolebrity)

Paris in Paris (AgentBedhead)

Babeh Becker (AmyGrindhouse)

Topless models make passes at men who wear (Tom Ford) glasses (BusyBeeBlogger)

Lilo too partied out to party? (CeleBitchy)

Ireland is SO grounded! (CelebritySmack)

Travolta’s toupe (HolyMoly)

The World of Plastics on display (IBBB)

Do they HAVE interns in hospitals? (DailyStab)

RIP Alexander McQueen (INeedMyFix)

Gwyneth Paltrow, Brown Rice Queen (LaineyGossip)

Alan Rickman reading love poems – thud! (UKPopSugar)

Are you DOWN with the CLOWN? (EvilBeet)

Another Vacation coming soon (CelebrityVIPLounge)

The secret to longer life (CelebDirtyLaundry)

John Edwards closes barn door after horse bolts (CelebrityMound)

Project Runway recap (HaveUHeard)

Robert Pattinson shower scene (HollywoodBackwash)

Lindsay Lohan, Closet Case (Movieline)

Lost Valentines (TenGossip)

Now is the time at Ayyyy when we dance!

Specifically, we dance to spunky Aussie sensation Tina Arena‘s “Now I Can Dance” video, which features a dazzling parade of quirky fabulosity culminating in a special guest appearance by someone who is the very embodiment of quirky fabulosity, and who I bet you didn’t know could play guitar like that, didja?

“Now I Can Dance“

Tina Arena

So I hope this finds you well
Sun is shining down eastern valley ways
There’s some news I need to tell you
Give my Mother a kiss
Tell her I’m ok
I recall her words
“If it’s too easy
It never lasts
I have compromised
But I’m finally free of the past
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hold so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
All alone the other night
I came to realise we’d be friends for life
It was always meant to be
For some people the heavens can get it so right
Like an angel you see
You have graciously offered a hand
You’d be so proud of me
Now I’m finally taking a stand
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hope so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
Now I can dance
Now I can dance
Clouds have all disappeared
Freedom
I hope so dear
Cause nobody knows me here
Though I can only imagine the sadness
you eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
Though I can only imagine the sadness
In your eyes
Please understand
Now I can dance
So I hope this finds you well
Sun is shining down eastern valley ways
So good
Be free
Can dance and laugh and just be me
So good
Be free
The clouds above have disappeared