Totally straight men’s magazine Esquire has blasted into the Beauty Information Space with their new edition featuring second-time Sexiest Woman Alive Scarlett Johansson. And it’s a blast from the past at that: ladies, I’m pleased to be the first to point out that thanks to this photoshoot, Clairol Nice ‘n Easy Frost & Tip is officially back, bitches.
Lily Allen has always been known as the “Dirt with angelic face” singer, and it’s nice to see she comes by it honestly. This is what her sister chose to wear to Lily’s wedding yesterday, keeping up the standard of class, but of unspecified altitude.
Then again, maybe she had the dress fitted before she got the boobs fitted. And serve her right if she couldn’t breathe all night.
I dunno about you, but I definitely feel in need of something strong to wash that out of my mind’s eye. I recommend the Nuptial Cocktail and some gossip links.
Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)
Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)
Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)
Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)
Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)
Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)
It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)
Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)
Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)
JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)
Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)
Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)
Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)
Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)
I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)
Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)
People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)
Shampers all around!!! My friends, we here in the Manolosphere don’t like to toot our own horns (French or otherwise) too often, but today we reached a momentous milestone (or kilometerstone as we say up here in the frozen tundra) and we cannot allow it to pass unsaluted, untoasted, unmarked.
Today we reached:
Thank you all for returning to this blog even when I go on a Who Wore It Best A World Famous Celebrity Or An Invertebrate spree. We raise a glass of virtual Moet to all of you and offer a roundup of some of Ayyyy’s favorites through the years.
Lapo Elkann, who is included not only for his elevation to the Best Dressed Hall of Fame but also for obvious reasons.
The irrepressible Lois Aldrin.
Ryan Reynolds, also for obvious reasons.
and Nigella Lawson, because apparently not all this blog’s readers are straight women.
So here’s to you, readers! A toast! To celebrity fashion plates, celebrity fashion plates-that-Julian-Schnabel-got-his-hands-on, and to celebrity breastplates of both sexes. Just one glass can’t hurt, right?
Sorry we’re late with this. Down with a spell of food poisoning: I should never have switched from vodka to lemonade. It was obviously too much for my system (also, lemon juice goes bad? WHO KNEW?).
This will make it all better.
Awwww. Now that you’ve recovered sufficiently, let’s move on to some adorable gossip links.
Deflowering virgins on television? Eh, it’s a living for Sandra Rinomato. Does she know Harvey? (Crasstalk)
Spirit Animals: how do they work? Help me choose between Courage Wolf and Sexually Oblivious Rhino as my mascot (raincoaster)
Pitcher? or catcher? The all-important “what to put the booze in” question just in time for picnic season (ManoloFood)
Nigella Lawson undercover. Girlfriend, jihadi chic is NOT how you do a topless beach. (Ayyyy)
This is why cutoffs were invented. There … wait … hmmm? … what was I saying? (Lolebrity)
ScarPenn/SeanJo trouble in paradise? Uh, well duh. And somewhere, Ryan Reynolds chuckles softly. (AgentBedhead)
Why do they put the coke THERE? Playboy Bunnies are dumb, yo. (BusyBeeBlogger)
No, seriously, I thought this was Carrot Top for a second. Someone needs to give Rihanna some conditioner STAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kate Middleton does a discreet Michael Jackson crotch grab, paparazzi fails to notice? (CelebritySmack)
Time’s 100 Most Influential People once again leaves me off the list. I had to beg them. Discretion is everything to me (CelebVIPLounge)
We may get our wish: Snooki is slowly vanishing! Just hang in there till 2020 and she’ll disappear entirely! (DailyStab)
Anything to get laid, eh RPattz? Dreamy McSparklepants reveals his sordid social secrets (EarSucker)
Oh look, it’s old Mae West– oh wait, it’s Xtina. That lingerie must have more technology than a typical NASA launch to keep from self-destructing. That is one whole lotta surface tension (FitFabCeleb)
Honestly, Gaga, that was so ret- … uh, developmentally challenged! (GirlsTalkinSmack)
Kanye Kant (run his charity anymore, that is). Kanye West doesn’t care about other people? (HaveUHeard)
So how much DOES it cost to marry a crown prince? It’s important to do the math, people. (HollywoodHiccups)
Gwen Stefani invites science to knock her up. I know any number of labcoated genii who’d be happy to oblige (INeedMyFix)
Everyone loves a man in uniform. Or a hot lesbian. Just as long as they’re doing a Britney lipdub. (MathewGuiver)
The Britney performance the network didn’t want you to see! No, seriously, they went to commercial. (PoorBritney)
James Marsden with cuddly bunnies, chicks, etc. No, seriously, why haven’t you clicked this already? (Swoonworthy)
An Olsen Twin debuts the World’s Ugliest Pants. No seriously, the other one keeps cracking up. Guess who lost the bet in the dressing room? (TheSkinny)
Dances with Scientologists. This guy has been milking that one role for nearly 40 years now (TheSkinnyChic)
Seriously, why don’t they just rename it “Tramps and Drag Queens Day” instead of Ladies’ Day? I need a Drag Queen Cocktail and some distracting gossip links.
Ellen Page is poetry in motion (raincoaster)
Cornify makes any website into poetry (raincoastermedia)
Jack Kerouac IS poetry (Lolebrity)
Gwyneth is greased! Hounds, release! (AgentBedhead)
ZOMG I think we know what sent Morrissey into his rage (BusyBeeBlogger)
Their bodies are wonderlands (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Bad Barbie is alarmy (CityRag)
PlayPenn Pals (DailyStab)
Celebrities, they text just like us! (EarSucker)
and Pauly D weeps into his mirror (FitFabCeleb)
RyRey is CGI’d, big-thighed (HollywoodHiccups)
Least romantic love scene description EVER (INeedMyFix)
Literary light crashes and burns (MathewGuiver)
Macho Man Can! (Swoonworthy)
Call it a deconstructive approach to the human face (TheSkinnyChic)
Awww, isn’t that cute? The Duchess of Alba and her boytoy Alfonso Díez are making it legal. Living proof, if any were needed, that an aggressive nose job that results in you breathing out of two large pores in the middle of your face is never a wasted expense, if it allows one to attract men known to society paper readers everywhere as “and Unnamed Friend”.
In honour of the lovely couple, let’s toast them with a classic Champagne cocktail fortified with a little Spanish brandy, and read some sexy gossip links:
inside raincoaster (raincoaster)
Kate Spade’s sexy movie (ManoloFood)
Fred and George Weasley KNOW they’ve got it (Lolebrity)
Sir Elton has some words for our generation’s biggest a$$ (AgentBedhead)
Chris Isaak’s steamy new video (BusyBeeBlogger)
Tila Tequila’s sex tape means we’ll never be rid of her (CelebDirtyLaundry)
WHAT is Gaga doing to herself in bed? (CelebritySmack)
ScarJo doesn’t let cobwebs grow on her ladybits (CelebVIPLounge)
VD Stars! (CityRag)
They get wet (GirlsTalkinSmack)
J Hud talks about her new body (HaveUHeard)
Anderson Cooper is NOT into beatings! (INeedMyFix)
Britney’s got yogabutt! (PoorBritney)
What’s Lady Gaga’s sex name? (PopBytes)
Chuck Berry on line one… (SeriouslyOMG)
If I’m going to Get The Look, I’m sure as HELL not wearing it sober! This calls for a Naked Martini, otherwise known as three ounces of gin and an olive. In fact, it calls for three or four of them.
Seriously, it looks like The Manson Family Goes to Burning Man.
Are you a celebrity blogger who’d rather drink than link (and wouldn’t we all?) email me at raincoaster at gmail:
I’m starting a linking service to do your work for you! And I’m working on an ad network to launch in the fall.
Eat, Brains, Love (Lolebrity)
Marilyn Monroe was crafty! (raincoaster)
Less of a teaser and more of a threat, I’d say (AgentBedhead)
Christina Ricci can dial a phone without using her hands (AmyGrindhouse)
This is why they call them Twits (AnythingHollywood)
Matthew McConaughey in see-through top (BusyBeeBlogger)
There are two good reasons ScarJo lost this role (CeleBitchy)
Happy Birthday Sea- DON’T HIT ME!!! DON’T HIT ME!!! (CelebrityFashionWatcher)
This might make me like Justin Bieber (CelebrityDirtyLaundry)
First Christopher Hitchens, now Michael Douglas (CelebritySmack)
Nicole Kidman’s architect is Fisher-Price (CityRag)
Jesus is a Bieber impersonator (CojoStyle)
Up With Juggalos! (DailyStab)
Holy crap, that Mel Gibson doesn’t mess around (GabbyBabble)
The blonde leading the blonde (GoFugYourself)
Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in White Hunter, Black Swan (HaveUHeard)
How long is this woman going to have to dress like this before the pregnancy rumours start, people? (INeedMyFix)
True Blood: Get the look! (Whatevs)
What a hoser, eh? (JustJared)
This blog is unapologetically pro-tux. Dapper formal wear for all! (PerezHilton)
Levi Johnson has a clean Slate (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
Now it’s Britney who’s Drrrrrty (PoorBritney)
Celebrity alma maters (UKPopSugar)
The Brady Bunch get summer jobs; this is not a repeat from 1972 (SeriouslyOMG)
Oh my. Oh my. At least she’s still got two things going for her.
Cameron Diaz is slick! (Shoeblogs)
Nicole Richie is too sexy for her hat (Lolebrity)
Dot dot dot (TeenyManolo)
Start the day off RIGHT! (ManoloBig)
Going in circles looking for wallpaper? (ManoloHome)
Tux and cover! (ManoloBrides)
Dustin Hoffman did it first, boys (AgentBedhead)
Lindsay Lohan is pulling a Klinger to get out of jail (BusyBeeBlogger)
You’ll pry her heels from her cold, dead hands (CeleBitchy)
Paris Hilton is a natural woman of parts (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Ozzy Osbourne is poison! (CelebDirtyLaundry)
so is raincoaster (raincoaster)
World’s two most famous lesbians together at last! (CojoStyle)
ScarJo has two things going for her (CityRag)
St. Angelina wears nose cone falsies (DailyStab)
Johnny Depp fears nothing, not even Penelope Cruz! (HaveUHeard)
I don’t see Emma Peel (INeedMyFix)
Oliver Stone identifies with Hitler (MovieLine)
The hardest-working B-Listers at Comic Con! (SeriouslyOMG)