And defy the fashion history of the last three years.

Normally, I’d say the Gladiator look is completely finito (and not a moment too soon), but for some reason I just can’t place I’m rather inclined to let this particular iteration go. No, wait; I’ve reconsidered. It must all come off right! now!

Hail our Capitalist Tool overlords! (TrueSlant)

Jay-Z is NOT amused (Lolebrity)

EVERYBODY POLKA!!! (TheManolo)

It runs in the family (TeenyManolo)

That does NOT say “cojones” (ManoloHome)

Balls! (ManoloBrides)

How. To. Wear. Shoes. (ManoloBig)

Hail our porn vampire overlords! (AgentBedhead)

Lindsay Lohan has a cunning plan… (AmyGrindhouse)

Sex and the City and the supporting cast (BusyBeeBlogger)

They sent them back to the volcano (CeleBitchy)

Fergie, Ghetto Duchess (CelebrityBeehive)

Nicole Kidman’s new shirt stuffers (CelebCosmeticSurgery)

Paula Abdul can’t count? Imagine! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

25 Cent (CelebritySmack)

Liza with a line! (DailyStab)

So THAT’s why Sonoma is popular for weekends away (DListed)

Hail our big-butted overlords! (Gawker)

Hail our Adderall-crazed overlord! (HaveUHeard)

Ol’ Googly Eyes and his Moll from Outer Space at a premiere (INeedMyFix)

Lindsay Lohan in Night Court! (IBBB)

Wait, someone put WRITERS on camera??? (MovieLine)

Jake Gyllenhaal whips out his big sword for the cameras (PinkIsTheNewBlog)

ZOMG Ginny is taller than Harry! (UKPopSugar)

I’m not exactly sure how to parse this platform-stiletto-and-cropped-sweats look. Perhaps Mariah’s gym is flooded?

Nuts! Sami Salo’s balls of steel hit the ice, go down (TrueSlant)

Cthulhu sex tape shocker! (raincoaster)

Karl Lagerfeld haiku for u! (Lolebrity)

Whose shoes? (TheManolo)

Nips Akimbo! (ManoloBig)

Out! Out! (ManoloHome)

Stick a fork in it! (ManoloBrides)

Demons begone! But only on weekends! (AgentBedhead)

Gisele inspires thoughts of death! (AmyGrindhouse)

Hayden Christensen back from career death (BusyBeeBlogger)

St Bono is invoked for protection against sanctimony (DippedInCream)

Vampire babies! (CeleBitchy)

The tears of a Golem! (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)

Lisa Marie wants offerings to the dead! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Death runs in the family (CelebritySmack)

Keith Richards is Benjamin Button! (HolyMoly)

Career ambitions slaughtered! (DailyStab)

Sir Ian McKellan not quite dead yet! (DListed)

Necronauts need money, too ya know! (EvilBeet)

A threat from Skeletor! (GabbyBabble)

Is Calvin Klein a soul vampire? (Gawker)

The franchise that CANNOT DIE! (HaveUHeard)

Yetis! (INeedMyFix)

Zombie Katherine Heigl? (JustJared)

Helen Mirren and Doppelganger Mirren! (LitelySalted)

Salute the dead! (MovieLine)

Kiefer is eternal! (UKPopSugar)

The tomb is open but the body is dead! (SeriouslyOMG)

Let’s start the week right with some eye candy, shall we? Presenting Prince Hot Ginge:

As Borat would say, “verrrrry niiiiiiiiice!” The great thing about uniforms is, if they look bad the entire country complains about them until they get fixed; in a way, it’s sort of crowdsourcing design. Yes, there are practical considerations to which one must Iraqiesce. Sure, it may never be as sleek as if Hedi Slimane got his hands on it, but on the plus side, most of the recruits would be able to fit into the uniforms without contracting cosmetic tuberculosis first.

Sami Salo’s Internet Celebrity Takes Balls (True/Slant)

Nicole Kidman can’t exorcise the ghost of Tom Cruise (Lolebrity)

Red Sole Diaries (TheManolo)

The Death of Cute (TheBigGirls)

Jennifer Aniston’s baby food consequences (TeenyManolo)

These crazy kids! (ManoloHome)

Happy Mother of the Bride Day (ManoloBrides)

Henry Rollins is outed! (AgentBedhead)

RIP Lena Horne (AmyGrindhouse)

Betty White OWNs Saturday Night (BusyBeeBlogger)

Heidi Klum wants into your closet! (CeleBitchy)

You’re the man now, Chaz! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Jessica Simpson is wrapped like a Mother’s Day pressie (CelebritySmack)

World’s crispiest hair spotted in New York (DailyStab)

Old Person wins Gaga fight (Gawker)

Kristen Stewart goes through Elle (HaveUHeard)

Minnie Driver’s baby will KILL YOU (INeedMyFix)

Bristols for Babies! I mean against! Oh it’s so hard to keep track! (IBBB)

I…I don’t think I want to KNOW what a “Pob” is, let alone watch one (UKPopSugar)

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Not for nothing is Vanessa Redgrave known as one of the most fearless actors in the world. Indeed, braving the misguided scorn of antiquated fussbudgets everywhere she boldly wears white shoes long before Memorial Day.

Indeed, we here in Canuckistan don’t even have Memorial Day, so presumably our antiquated fussbudgets can never wear white shoes.

Congratulations and imaginary swag to our winners! First up, the Easter Bonnet contest:

Jennie Says: April 5th, 2010 at 7:14 pm

For in your Easter bonnet, with all the shrimps upon it
You’ll be the grandest sushi in the Easter parade
I’ll be all in soy sauce and when they see what they lost
I’ll be the proudest fellow in the Easter parade…

Congrats! To repeat-champ Jennie we present a delightful and deluxe hypothetical trophy: a felted pink designer sea anemone hat.

And now, to our wunderbar Wonderbra model, Eve Herzegovina and her bear accessory:

Colin Campbell Says:

April 12th, 2010 at 12:52 am

To the left one two……

Congratulations to first-time winner Colin. To him we hypothetically present the virtual trophy of: the dazzlingly dapper Leo’s Giordano Spectator Tap Shoe, perfectly suited to dancing the night away with the any woman who can keep up.

You remember the preppy translation for “Boot?” I believe it even made it into a John Hughes movie or two…Well, that’s what this boot, from Louis Vuitton reminds me of: it’s sort of an unholy cross between Uggs and slow-moving, raped poodles, all in electra-green suede with some Jetsons nonsense for a heel.. It’s a good thing Louis Vuitton is dead, because this monstrosity might just have killed him. Hell, I don’t even work for the company and it slays me.

Doesn’t shoe designer/living god Christian Louboutin look just impossibly dapper here? And, as always, his shoes are the FIERCENESS!

On the other hand, that shoe pile by the door of Casa Brangelina is a couple of dozen pairs deep by now. Maybe he’s just being practical.