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The Generation, Gaped.

The esteemed author

The esteemed author

No, that’s not a typo. You’ll gape, too, at this amazing video of a sweet little old lady reading Snooki’s tweets.

I’m not sure what Hava Nagila is doing at the end there. Maybe they’re trying to convert her? She looks like she could use some nice grandparents like these to straighten her out, frankly.

and THIS is why they call it “fierce”

Marta Marzotto

Marta Marzotto

Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.

She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.

The Importance of Being Guido: in which transcripts from the Jersey Shore are read in the style of Oscar Wilde(raincoaster)

Rihanna’s Waking Nightmare looks strangely like most of mine, actually (Ayyyy)

Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)

That Kardashian Style! On display at closing time in bars everywhere (Lolebrity)

Worst TV Show Openings; why do I just know there will be a lot of 80′s in there? (Crasstalk)

Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)

Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)

Those British coroners can make a mystery out of ANYTHING, can’t they? (DailyStab)

Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)

Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)

6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Mister President, I am here to serve. That’s why I brought these kneepads (HaveUHeard)

RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)

Prince Hot Ginge at the races; Ladies, start your engines! (INeedMyFix)

Linnocent can’t afford therapy, because Saint Tropez is expensive, dammit! (PopBytes)

Bloggers take note: Alan Rickman appreciation=automatic inclusion in the links. Got it? (SwoonWorthy)

Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)

Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Snooki’s Looking Good!

Snooki is looking good!

Snooki is looking good!

She’s definitely lost weight, but she needs to see her waxer stat, before she turns into a small, brown S.O.S pad.

Speaking of celebrity drama, here are your gossip links for today. They, as with Snooki, are somewhat more elaborate than usual. Happy hump day!

Hotter than EuroDisney: it’s the Abortionplex! Yelp, the greatest website of the bourgeoisie, reaches its apotheosis in this collection of reviews of the Onion’s fictional Abortionplex. Come for the D&C’s, stay for the Mojitos! (raincoaster)

Servicey! How to open a bottle without a bottle opener. And NO, “twist it off” isn’t the answer unless you’re the Incredible Hulk. I knew the Incredible Hulk. The Incredible Hulk was a friend of mine. And YOU, sir, are no – you know what? I’ve used that joke too many times. (ManoloFood)

Do the Maliboogie! You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out, with great effort, because you were as stupid as Katie Holmes, and wore three inch heels on the beach! (Ayyyy)

Steve Buscemi welcomes you to Emo Disney. So I guess today’s gossip blogs are travel themed. Still, I’d totally pay to see Steve as Mickey Mouse, directed by Quentin Tarantino. When you get your picture taken with him, ask if you can hold the severed hand. (Lolebrity)

“Oh I say!” says Prince Philip. “No, seriously, I said that? I said THAT? Well bloody hell, you don’t think I was SOBER at the time, do you? Quick, blame the fucking peasants!” (Crasstalk)

Lady Gaga is completely tasteless. The GooGoo Diet? Real dieters stick with The Drinker’s Diet, even if they dumped the man who invented it! If it was good enough for Dino, it’s good enough for you, honey. (AgentBedhead)

George Harrison pities the fool. Then wonders why a Canadian gossip blogger is referencing Mister T on a Beatle post, then shrugs amiably as well as posthumously, realizing that nobody who lived through the 80′s escaped unchanged by them. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Justin Timberlake DID NOT GO THERE! And you can’t make him go, you with your tawdry, nicotine-stained fashionistas. GOD! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Cougar Sausage! Someone needs to tell Janice Dickinson that turkey skin and gristle in a tube sock is not an attractive look. (CelebritySmack)

Jet Skis fail to take a victim. This time. Hey, that gives me an idea for a horror series. GET ME ELI ROTH! (CelebVIPLounge)

LeAnn Rimes Fatty Fat Fat Fatso Fatty Fatpants. There, if that doesn’t get me trashed on Jezebel, nothing ever will. (CityRag)

Blake Lively is apparently spotted like a hyena under all those clothes, or at least that’s what her publicist is being paid to say. Do you think she ever looks back at her humanities degree and wonders where she went wrong? (DailyStab)

Courtney Love, aristocrat. Stiffing servants like she was born to it: Thatta girl! At this rate one of them will poison you shortly. (EarSucker)

It’s Bimbo vs Bimbo in the Seaside Smackdown of the Season. In related news, Jon Derek wants her number. (FitFabCeleb)

The Womb Broom Room: sixteen celebrities sporting mustaches. And not ONE is an Italian woman (well, we’re not sure about Efron)! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Sue Sylvester lays the smackdown on that uppity Wasilla Hillbilly. In related news, Jane Lynch for president! (HaveUHeard)

Justin Bieber is so totally perving to this topless massage picture in private. That’s an auto-timed Twitpic if ever I saw one; young man, you go to your room and LEAVE THE STARLET BEHIND! (HollywoodHiccups)

RPattz and KStew’s wedding video! ZOMG CAN YOU BELIEVE BREAKING DAWN IS COMING??? ZOMG can you believe how much longer we have to pretend to be excited about this shit? Someone stop that woman before she writes another! (INeedMyFix)

Jennifer Love Hewitt’s latest drama: this outfit. Is that an oversized, beaded beige Iroquois jumpsuit? (MathewGuiver)

Britney Spears: too special for the unassisted human ear. Like the gods of ancient Greece, she requires the services of a special interpreter in order to make herself appreciated by mere mortals. (PoorBritney)

Oh, US TOO, PARIS! (PopBytes)

Squeeeeeeee! Peter Brady is single! Cougars, start your engines! (Swoonworthy)

This is as close to amputee porn as Reese Witherspoon is ever going to get, so enjoy? Also, she looks like she’s ready to claw your faceoff, so bonus Catfight Points. (TheSkinny)

Avril Lavigne doesn’t give an F about Americans. But she gave one TO Americans. Oh, those kooky Quebecois! (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Panty Moistening Prince Harry and Puppy Post-Hump Day Hunk

Sorry we’re late with this. Down with a spell of food poisoning: I should never have switched from vodka to lemonade. It was obviously too much for my system (also, lemon juice goes bad? WHO KNEW?).

This will make it all better.

Prince Harry and a puppy. You're welcome.

Prince Harry and a puppy. You're welcome.

Awwww. Now that you’ve recovered sufficiently, let’s move on to some adorable gossip links.

Deflowering virgins on television? Eh, it’s a living for Sandra Rinomato. Does she know Harvey? (Crasstalk)

Spirit Animals: how do they work? Help me choose between Courage Wolf and Sexually Oblivious Rhino as my mascot (raincoaster)

Pitcher? or catcher? The all-important “what to put the booze in” question just in time for picnic season (ManoloFood)

Nigella Lawson undercover. Girlfriend, jihadi chic is NOT how you do a topless beach. (Ayyyy)

This is why cutoffs were invented. There … wait … hmmm? … what was I saying? (Lolebrity)

Win a pair of Whooga boots! Like the FB page and enter to win one of three pairs each month (Whooga)

ScarPenn/SeanJo trouble in paradise? Uh, well duh. And somewhere, Ryan Reynolds chuckles softly. (AgentBedhead)

Why do they put the coke THERE? Playboy Bunnies are dumb, yo. (BusyBeeBlogger)

No, seriously, I thought this was Carrot Top for a second. Someone needs to give Rihanna some conditioner STAT (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Kate Middleton does a discreet Michael Jackson crotch grab, paparazzi fails to notice? (CelebritySmack)

Time’s 100 Most Influential People once again leaves me off the list. I had to beg them. Discretion is everything to me (CelebVIPLounge)

We may get our wish: Snooki is slowly vanishing! Just hang in there till 2020 and she’ll disappear entirely! (DailyStab)

Anything to get laid, eh RPattz? Dreamy McSparklepants reveals his sordid social secrets (EarSucker)

Oh look, it’s old Mae West– oh wait, it’s Xtina. That lingerie must have more technology than a typical NASA launch to keep from self-destructing. That is one whole lotta surface tension (FitFabCeleb)

Honestly, Gaga, that was so ret- … uh, developmentally challenged! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Kanye Kant (run his charity anymore, that is). Kanye West doesn’t care about other people? (HaveUHeard)

So how much DOES it cost to marry a crown prince? It’s important to do the math, people. (HollywoodHiccups)

Gwen Stefani invites science to knock her up. I know any number of labcoated genii who’d be happy to oblige (INeedMyFix)

Everyone loves a man in uniform. Or a hot lesbian. Just as long as they’re doing a Britney lipdub. (MathewGuiver)

The Britney performance the network didn’t want you to see! No, seriously, they went to commercial. (PoorBritney)

James Marsden with cuddly bunnies, chicks, etc. No, seriously, why haven’t you clicked this already? (Swoonworthy)

An Olsen Twin debuts the World’s Ugliest Pants. No seriously, the other one keeps cracking up. Guess who lost the bet in the dressing room? (TheSkinny)

Dances with Scientologists. This guy has been milking that one role for nearly 40 years now (TheSkinnyChic)

 

Fred Astaire will have none of your tawdry, drunken gossip links

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Fred Astaire loved his shoes

Strangely for a man of his era, but not-so-strangely for a trained athlete, Fred strongly maintained that he had no favorite drink, so I suppose when we salute Fred we will have to do it with an elegant dancing slipper full of imaginary Champagne. He may not have known much about alcohol, but he obviously knew from shoes, and for that we honour him.

And then trudge right on to our tawdry, drunken gossip links. *hic*

The secret of Rebecca Black’s success (raincoaster)

Happy Birthday, Brando (ManoloFood)

Show of hands! (Ayyyy)

The Great Game? (Lolebrity)

in the same way diarrhea is explosive (AgentBedhead)

Mae West could tame anything (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrity Apprentice roundup (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Elizabeth Hurley is back, bitches! (CelebritySmack)

The Ambiguously Gay Duo IRL (CelebVIPLounge)

Maybe we should drop HIM on Benghazi? (DailyStab)

But you couldn’t pay her to listen (EarSucker)

Billy Ray bought the first one! (FitFabCeleb)

OMG it’s like stretch pants got marked down at Walmart! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Heidi Klum slimed! (HaveUHeard)

Crackers, Jack. (HollywoodHiccups)

Lindsay Lohan typecast (INeedMyFix)

It’s like if Mad Max Thunderdome had cheerleaders (MathewGuiver)

Just how Fatale is Britney? (PoorBritney)

He could slime me anytime (SwoonWorthy)

OMG fatty fat fatties! (TheSkinny)

 

Top That!

Want:

Marie Antoinette Hoodie. Decapitate! It's great!

The Marie Antoinette Hoodie. Decapitate! It's great!

I NEED this in time for Bastille Day! Let’s toast to this excellent Threadless design with a glass of fine Armagnac diluted with just a splash of the late queen’s favorite tipple, Evian water. I can’t drink Evian straight; as Janis Joplin said, No water in my whiskey, man. It hurts my throat.

And now, your Friday gossip link roundup:

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! (raincoaster)
Friday Caption Contest: Shadow of a Superstar (Ayyyy)
Katherine Heigl gets the new Colonic Facial (CelebrityBeehive)
Herman. Pee-Wee Herman. (Lolebrity)
Fresh, free-range Hamm (Gawker)
War Dog of the Week (Warning: sappy) (ForeignPolicy)
That’s no lady! (AgentBedhead)
Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds with James Franco (AmyGrindhouse)
Dolph Lundgren is just asking for it (BusyBeeBlogger)
Dora the Explorer on the rocks (CeleBitchy)
Lindsay Lohan is not such a twit anymore (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Kim Kardashian’s snack tray holds a drink (CelebritySmack)
Britney weaned the kids off Cosmos (CityRag)
Cojo vs Ronald McDonald (CojoStyle)
Amy Winehouse crashes a lap (CrazyDaysAndNights)
Wino has “something” up her nose (INeedMyFix)
I SAID, Pull up yo damn pants! (Crunk&Disorderly)
Awww, I bet on Aeschylus (DailyStab)
Sienna Miller loves dressing up in Grandma’s outfits (DListed)
Is Renee Zellweger Bridget Jones or Jennifer Aniston? (EvilBeet)
Gooooood morning, Republicans! (HaveUHeard)
Snooki is a lobster racist! (IBBB)
80′s cartoon trivia quiz (LitelySalted)
Grover stars in new Old Spice campaign (MovieLine)
Amy Winehouse’s Taxi Driver (PerezHilton)
Weird celebrity fetish news (SeriouslyOMG)
Creepy celebrity dolls (ASL)

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Katie Holmes is tight, tucked

Katie Holmes floral nightmare

and, apparently, oblivious to the fact that her dress is caught in her pantyhose.

Let’s toast the fact that WE are not, as Gallagher says, walking around with our clothes tucked into our underwear, with a Kilt Lifter Ale and a sigh of relief.

Angels are devils (raincoaster)
Lady Gaga is an ape (Ayyyy)
Survival tips for meeting the savage Naomi Campbell (CelebrityBeehive)
The end of civilization as we know it (AgentBedhead)
This will probably be the most beautiful child ever made (BusyBeeBlogger)
Some fine DNA dodged a bullet with this one (CeleBitchy)
Meanwhile, Gisele is spreading hers around (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Hairless ape has, yes, another book deal (DailyStab)
This is like crossing a Shetland Pony and a Mastodon (HaveUHeard)
Vestigal celebutard, the last of its species, manages to survive (INeedMyFix)
RIP James Dean (Lolebrity)
Former child stars butt heads to establish dominance (PerezHilton)
For conspiracy fans: The Midwich Rockers Approacheth! (PregnancyFashion)

Hump Day Links: Reheated Hamm Edition

I know, I know, we just had him, but for some reason I just feel like featuring him again today. The only problem is, I can’t decide which picture to use.

Do you like this one?

Mad Men actor Jon Hamm arrived at an office building in West Hollywood, California on September 27, 2010 to take care of some business. Jon was dressed very casual, could this be the studio of a new project?  Fame Pictures, Inc

or this one?

Jon Hamm got back. He should get back to my apartment as quickly as possible

Let’s drink to that with a nice, refreshing Screwdriver, from the official index to Mad Men Cocktails.

Mean Disney Girls just a bunch of drama queens (raincoaster)
At least they were free of Yoko in there (Lolebrity)
Reznorvision coming soon to your screens? (AgentBedhead)
The Face of Kotex! (BusyBeeBlogger)
Some people will do ANYTHING to impress Sandra Bullock’s castoffs (CeleBitchy)
Spot the cyborgs among us! (CelebrityCosmeticSurgery)
Violent repeat felon seeks custodianship of Lindsay Lohan (CelebDirtyLaundry)
Michael Bolton, it is FAR too late for respect! (CelebritySmack)
Gaga a Go-Go (CityRag)
Naomi Campbell’s feet are HUGE (CojoStyle)
Yes, everyone but me DOES have a book deal (DailyStab)
Macaroni Rascals (DListed)
A foursome isn’t just for golfing and bridge? (EvilBeet)
Sly, stylin’ (GabbyBabble)
Brigitte Nielson is looking younger (GoFugYourself)
Get your Bieber Babies! (HaveUHeard)
Michael Bolton is the Rodney Dangerfield of show pony has-beens (INeedMyFix)
Catching up with Bristol Palin’s favorite show (IBBB)
Oh holy Jeebus, even Hilary Duff has a book deal (JustJared)
This will be some actress’s lowest career point (MovieLine)
Baby Buble (PerezHilton)
B from the block (PinkIsTheNewBlog)
Backney! (PoorBritney)
The Mysteries of Minnelli (PopBytes)
Jon’s got a Ham in his pants (SeriouslyOMG)

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