Nooey Deschanel

What a difference a decade and a dye job make.

Ashley Greene at the Breaking Waistband premiere

Nice try, Ashley! Good work at the Canadian Breaking Dawn premiere, pandering to Canuckistani patriotism with the obligatory red outfit on the red carpet (presumably the white is your refreshingly un-orange self). But even though Canada isn’t Paris, it was still a bad idea to try to repurpose Aunt Suzie’s maternity separates as a red carpet gown without so much as a judicious safety-pinning.

What a waist!

Michelle Williams lights up our lives in Oscar de la Renta

Oh honey, no. I don’t care how much fun you’re having (and when you think of fun-loving starlets, doesn’t your mind automatically go first to Michelle Williams?) the lampshade goes on your head!

It doesn’t turn us on.

What is this? I can’t even…

Ladies and gentlemen, “actress” Chloe Sevigny dressed as hipstervert photog Terry Richardson. You know what to do.

Chloe Richardson

Amanda Seyfried cut short

Isn`t Amanda Seyfried just adorable? She can`t wait to start her first day of school at the Mena Suvari Academy for Starlets Who Never Quite Reached Their Full Potential. Or the bathroom on time.

Kate Bosworth Blinding Burberry

Pity the lovely (yet somewhat gnarled) Kate Bosworth, seen here trying to get as far away as possible from her party frock. No matter how much Burberry paid her to get into that monstrosity, it couldn’t have been easy to appear in public this way. It’s as the designer got incredibly high on acid and created to commemorate a gruesome, drawn-out butterfly death scene from Pink Floyd:’s The Wall.

They wouldn’t do this to Emma Watson, would they Kate?

Go on, pull the other one

Sixtysomething survivor Phoebe Price waits patiently for the Jolly Green Giant to come and take her away to that big Soundstage in the Sky. When he does get there, she wants to be totally ready for her closeup and to that end, has been consulting with her surgeon.

Hollywood sez: Go Big or Go Home!

The one on the right would look totally natural, Phoebs

Sofia Vergara is happy to see you. You can just tell.

It’s nice to see that Sophia Vergara is in a good mood. Perhaps she’ll be more receptive to the information that your skirt should never be smaller than your handbag (your shoes, your hair…).