Amanda Seyfried cut short

Isn`t Amanda Seyfried just adorable? She can`t wait to start her first day of school at the Mena Suvari Academy for Starlets Who Never Quite Reached Their Full Potential. Or the bathroom on time.

Kate Bosworth Blinding Burberry

Pity the lovely (yet somewhat gnarled) Kate Bosworth, seen here trying to get as far away as possible from her party frock. No matter how much Burberry paid her to get into that monstrosity, it couldn’t have been easy to appear in public this way. It’s as the designer got incredibly high on acid and created to commemorate a gruesome, drawn-out butterfly death scene from Pink Floyd:’s The Wall.

They wouldn’t do this to Emma Watson, would they Kate?

Go on, pull the other one

Sixtysomething survivor Phoebe Price waits patiently for the Jolly Green Giant to come and take her away to that big Soundstage in the Sky. When he does get there, she wants to be totally ready for her closeup and to that end, has been consulting with her surgeon.

Hollywood sez: Go Big or Go Home!

The one on the right would look totally natural, Phoebs

Sofia Vergara is happy to see you. You can just tell.

It’s nice to see that Sophia Vergara is in a good mood. Perhaps she’ll be more receptive to the information that your skirt should never be smaller than your handbag (your shoes, your hair…).

Vanessa Hudgens Slips Up

Oh Vanessa. Yes, your movie career tanked pretty fast, but has it really come to this? Are those real slippers, or one dark night did you just cut down an old pair of Uggs in a self-hating, Avril Lavigne-blaring frenzy? At least you have some pride: you’re a $975 Alexander Wang bag lady (retail).

Marta Marzotto

Italian designer Marta Marzotto is indeed the epitome of fierce, and if you doubt it, she will most likely shiv a bitch, this ex-Countess having been sentenced to hard prison time for blithely making off with her almost-stepson’s patrimony. As if that weren’t enough, she’s related to my beloved Lapo! Why, she’s like a lost Gabor sister! Who’s to say those booties don’t conceal a tracking anklet of some kind? Just as soon as I reconfigure the DEW Line to trace Julian Assange’s movements, I’ll take a quick peek around Milan for Marta M. and let you know. We should probably keep an eye on this one.

She looks like she’d take her vodka neat, so let’s toast this crazy old cougar with some Cougar Juice Vodka and some gossip links.

The Importance of Being Guido: in which transcripts from the Jersey Shore are read in the style of Oscar Wilde(raincoaster)

Rihanna’s Waking Nightmare looks strangely like most of mine, actually (Ayyyy)

Bagel BBQ FTW! (ManoloFood)

That Kardashian Style! On display at closing time in bars everywhere (Lolebrity)

Worst TV Show Openings; why do I just know there will be a lot of 80′s in there? (Crasstalk)

Ben Affleck, ironic hairpiece wearer (BusyBeeBlogger)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake stays Brooooooooooooooooooooke! (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mariah Carey is sefectly pober! (CelebritySmack)

Smoker Katy Perry, on addiction (CelebVIPLounge)

Those British coroners can make a mystery out of ANYTHING, can’t they? (DailyStab)

Lindsay Lohan, too, is serfectl – LISTEN PEOPLE IT’S SPELLED “Ketel One” AND IF I SEE ANOTHER “Kettle” I AM GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU ONE OR TWO LUMPS WHERE IT’LL DO THE MOST GOOD OKAY????(EarSucker)

Harrison Ford is a GILF (FitFabCeleb)

6 celebrity pizzafaces (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Mister President, I am here to serve. That’s why I brought these kneepads (HaveUHeard)

RIP Amy Winehouse: no, Blaaaaake is not invited to the funeral (HollywoodHiccups)

Prince Hot Ginge at the races; Ladies, start your engines! (INeedMyFix)

Linnocent can’t afford therapy, because Saint Tropez is expensive, dammit! (PopBytes)

Bloggers take note: Alan Rickman appreciation=automatic inclusion in the links. Got it? (SwoonWorthy)

Annalynne McCord could use a good seamstress (TheSkinny)

Jay-Z and Kanye want you to watch them on the throne? (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Rosie what are they doing down there

It’s nice to see the old girl isn’t confined, constrained, or controlled by old-fashioned and impossible ideals of youthful beauty, but you’d think she would have at least lifted them off her hips for the red carpet.

Segueing effortlessly from Rosie Huntindon-Whatever, here are your celebrity links and a radically perfect musical interlude featuring Justin Bond looking, really, much the same as Rosie.

Dance, little Eastern European Hipster, Dance! (raincoaster)

Bullfighting, Canadian-Style! (Ayyyy)

For that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes only from a Dutch Oven of 80′s nostalgia (icecoaster)

Watch Gwyneth Paltrow Die!!! For free and everything! (Crasstalk)

At long last, something tasteful in the Trump Empire! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Betty White, cocktease, heartbreaker (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Rebecca Black is good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, nobody still likes her (CelebVIPLounge)

Charlie Sheen sure knows how to enrage people (EarSucker)

Can’t we eliminate her for that Vegas Showgirl Prom Dress? (FitFabCeleb)

It’s Mermaid vs Mermaid in the Celebrity Smackdown of the Cthulhusphere! (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Selina Gomez/Justin Bieber wedding video! (HaveUHeard)

This new kid is coming up fast. I see a movie plot: All About Biebs? (HollywoodHiccups)

Olivia Wilde must be awful low-maintenance (INeedMyFix)

Becks and a babe (Swoonworthy)

Smells like…Christina Aguilera? (TheSkinny)

Ke$ha makes Tara Reid look like Audrey Hepburn (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Lily Allen has always been known as the “Dirt with angelic face” singer, and it’s nice to see she comes by it honestly. This is what her sister chose to wear to Lily’s wedding yesterday, keeping up the standard of class, but of unspecified altitude.

Then again, maybe she had the dress fitted before she got the boobs fitted. And serve her right if she couldn’t breathe all night.

I dunno about you, but I definitely feel in need of something strong to wash that out of my mind’s eye. I recommend the Nuptial Cocktail and some gossip links.

Palin Poetry: the Palinleaks Haikus. America gets the Japanese poetic forms it deserves, as Sarah Palin’s emails get put through the Haiku Finder. Art really IS everywhere! (raincoaster)

Who needs the tooth fairy? Who needs Food Porn? We’ve got the Magic Rum Fairy! (ManoloFood)

Emma Watson is back in the harness. Gee, I didn’t know there was a new Matrix movie in the works. Still, this will come in handy for her battles with arch-enemy Fat Bastard. (Ayyyy)

Harrison Ford IS Errand Runner! I’d like to take a look at his Furby, if you know what I mean and I think you do! (Lolebrity)

Debbie Reynolds is selling off her children’s inheritance and YOU CAN BUY IT! Yes, it’s the celebrity crap auction of the year, and open for business! Someone call Harrison Ford, quick! (Crasstalk)

Starfuckery failure: pro edition. ScarJo needs to go study at the scabby, callused knees of Courtney Love. (AgentBedhead)

It’s time to draw the line! Catherine, Duchess of Whatever, the Artist Formerly Known as Kate Middleton, needs an eyeliner intervention, people. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Gary Dourdan is brought to your police department by the Letter E. Unlike the last time, when he was brought to your police station by the letters DUI. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Mazel tov, kids. Now, can the world please forget about Lily Allen? (CelebritySmack)

Who are the 10 best actors in Hollywood? Other than the “I didn’t hook up with him” Kardashians? (CelebVIPLounge)

JWoww kisses a dog. So things are looking up for her in the romance department. (CityRag)

Ladies and gentlemen, start your gingham! Jessica Simpson, superchic fashion powerhouse, is cloning herself. (DailyStab)

Taylor Momsen…remember her? Well, it looks like she’s hooking up with an electrician now. (FitFabCeleb)

Paparazzis pap’d! Six celebrities spying on you. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Jessica Alba’s kid is going to be VERY popular with the tabloids! Nothing like leaking on your mom in front of a row of reporters. (HaveUHeard)

Conan O’Brien enters the Greatest Commencement Speech Sweepstakes. Will he take it from Steve Jobs? It’s Team Coco vs Apple Fanboys in the final round: Dartmouth vs Stanford. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’ll take “let them get the damn picture instead of crashing the car with your children in it” for a hundred, Alex! On the other hand, how desperate must a pap be to try to get a picture of Tori Spelling? (INeedMyFix)

Prince Hot Ginge in his undershirt. It doesn’t matter what I type here; you’re not reading it anyway. (SwoonWorthy)

People still date Lindsay Lohan’s castoffs? In other news, Demi Lovato is apparently capable of making good decisions again. (TheSkinnyChic)