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Kiera Knightley….Ayyyy!

Manolo says, sometimes, we must all have our say…

Kiera Knightley..Ayyyy!

MANOLO: Ayyyyy! She is so ethereal! Like the wisps of fog on the Scottish moors, only colder and not quite as inviting.

PLUMCAKE: and probably not as popular with the sheep.

SPIRIT FINGERS: That’s so dangerous. Somebody could take it as an invitation to stake her. And then we’d be left with a little pile of Keira dust. Which won’t do for Chanel photoshoots. Or would it?

PLUMCAKE: Of course it would. Karl would just sprinkle her over one of Coco’s old couches and then take pictures of the cleaning lady going to town with the lint roller. Fashion is the dust of existence! It’s inspired.

MANOLO (making sign of the cross): Bend it Like Nosferatu

SPIRIT FINGERS: POTC: Dead Woman’s Chest!

MANOLO: i’m in ur grave poking u with my ribs.

PLUMCAKE: I for one think it’s brilliant. It’s high time that someone finally turned Wuthering Heights into a zombie flick. Because you know what Bronte sorely lacks? Undead starlets with chainsaws for arms. (not pictured: chainsaw arm)

SPIRIT FINGERS: People Mag actually had the temerity to ask whether this look was “Hit or Miss?”. If only all of life’s questions were so simple!

MANOLO: They are. Hit or miss? Anorexia or bulemia? Dead or undead?

SPIRIT FINGERS: I heard she’s using the “Periorbital hematoma” brand of eyeshadow.

PLUMCAKE: Is that Latin for the blood of fifty virgins?

MANOLO: Good luck finding those in Hollywood.

SPIRIT FINGERS: She’s going for a statuesque pose but I’m telling you, not even the pigeons of St Mark’s Square would land on her. And they’re a pretty open-minded bunch, as far as pigeons go.

PLUMCAKE: Oooh, dissed by Italianate sky rats. You’re a cold woman Spirit Fingers. Let’s braid hair.

SPIRIT FINGERS: Sounds like a plan. See ya Keira wouldn’t want to be ya!

Substitute wild child needed

With Lindsay temporarily inconvenienced by rehab, people are starting to get restless.  There just aren’t enough starlets spiralling out of control and that gives us precious little to tut-tut about.  As a sort of interim or stopgap measure, some are suggesting that we look in the direction of Mary Kate Olsen:

“Mary-Kate Olsen was wearing a see-through green dress. She was completely wasted, she was humping and grinding against a column with another girl. Then she was flailing all over the dance floor.

“Later, Mary-Kate made out with various questionable men while friends took pictures. She then fell over onto a table and proceeded to break every glass on the table before toppling over onto everyone sitting behind her. It was shocking.”

(more…)

Skinny Betty

Manolo says, first the photoshoppers came for Katie Couric, and now they have reductified the luscious America Ferrera!

When will this madness stop?

Avril’s Pregnancy Scare

Avil Lavigne

Phew, one pink stripe. Guess it was just those morning-after tacos talkin’.

Lindsay Lohan Loves the Cake

Manolo says, Ayyyyy! La Lohan has been forced to beg for money from her friends.

Lindsay, 21, resorted to begging, the sources, say, because her manager mom, Dina, has temporarily cut her off from what’s left of the fortune she made starring in hit films like Mean Girls and Freaky Friday.

“Dina must think Lohan is a serious addict, and she’s afraid if she gives her even $20, she’ll run out and buy drugs and booze,” says an insider close tot he family…

“Lindsay wants money – what she calls ‘cake’ – now,” says a source. She’s even asked guys she’s only met two or three times to hand over $10,000. That’s what she always asks for: 10K.”

[…]

“When Lindsay asked me, after her second arrest, I kind of laughed because she’s a big movie star, right? Why does she need money from me?” the industry insider asks. “She explained her money was ‘tied up.’ She wasn’t even nice about it. She said ‘I’m good for it, I’ll make a huge comeback. I am, after all, the most famous person on the planet right now!’”

Riiing

Riiing

“Hello, Manolo?

It’s me, Lindsay….

Lindsay Lohan. You know, La Lohan, Superstar.

(more…)

Paris Hilton in Training

Manolo says, here is the latest news from the land of the vapid.

After being jailed Paris Hilton vowed to no longer “act dumb”, but in her first interview since her release it was hard to tell if she was acting or not…

When asked what made her happy, the new, more serious heiress told of her love for her pet monkeys and ferrets.

And despite being single, Paris, 26, bizarrely declared: “I want kids next year, so I’ve got to get my body ready.”

One can only imagine what sort of exercises this entails.

Suck it like Dracula

I vant to vear Chanel!

Keira generally didn’t mind dealing with reporters but when it came to questions about her weight, her fangs would inevitably come out. “Fools,” she hissed, “Of course I’m naturally thin. How often do you see an obese vampire? And don’t you dare accuse me of promoting unhealthy dieting. I love fat people – they taste fab!”

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