Love the hat, but the Grizzly Adams facial hair and cheap, undersized jacket do nothing to improve the view. And the jeans, come to think of it; they must all come off RIGHT NOW!

Our hunk for Hump Day this week is my secret boyfriend, the hunkalicious Pivert, who only hopes and prays you buy his excuse why he couldn’t perform in your Off-Off-Off-Off Broadway play.

Brad Pitt’s slippage (AgentBedhead)

The Triumph of DJ AM’s (no)Will (AmyGrindhouse)

Twilight Tix Rising (BusyBeeBlogger)

Levi to remove his Levis (CeleBitchy)

on a double bill with LiLo? (CelebritySmack)

Blanchett beaned! (HolyMoly)

Halle Berry baby 2.0 (DailyStab)

Japan’s first lady just as nutty as the rest of Japan (Gawker)

The annunciation of St. Shiloh (DListed)

Lily Allen’s not paranoid at all (EvilBeet)

Rachel Zoe photographed in proximity to food (INO)

Michael Jackson’s lost son? (JustJared)

Jennifer Connelly is a monster (MovieLine)

Madonna goes down! (UKPopSugar)

Heigl suspended! (SeriouslyOMG)

Courtney Cox=Cougar Power (ASL)

Jensen Ackles as a child (TenGossip)

Colbert! In! Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace! (Websters)

Rebecca Gayheart (whom I have to stop confusing with Portia de Rossi now, don’t I, or Ellen will be mad) knows how to handle reputation management:

1. attend baby showers where you will sit beside pretty, famous friends who are still somewhat heavier than you because they’re, you know, pregnant.
2. be photographed smiling broadly leaving said baby showers
3. fashionable heels and this year’s bag at all times
4. enormous shades just in case of tragic mascara overspill
5. be sure to sport an oversized version of the nightie you brought for the new baby. It’s just good manners.

Kate Walsh, however, chose the onesie:

Our man-candy today is the always-decorative and lately-quite-evolved Johnny Depp, who is no stranger to a good cocktail and does not take any guff for sharing Hunter S. Thompson’s preference for fresh daiquiris. Nor do I, although I prefer Hemingway’s version.

Tom Cruise tush toner  (AgentBedhead)

Cat People don’t reproduce (LaughingStork)

The Allegorical Meaning of T Rex (DrBoli)

Kristen Stewart rocks the Mackinaw Lite (BricksAndStones)

Ricky Martins shows off the twins (BusyBeeBlogger)

Robert Pattinson not even CAREER dead (AmyGrindhouse)

Frances Bean Cobain: they grow up so fast (CelebritySmack)

St Angelina is official now (CeleBitchy)

Michael Jackson vs GQ (Crunk&Disorderly)

Mandy Moore: Funny or Die (DailyStab)

The McSteamy sex tape coverage (Gawker)

Kenny Chesney’s new chaps (DListed)

Megan’s Most Wanted (GabbyBabble)

Hooray for crack? (GoFugYourself)

She’s like a bird; she’ll only fly away (Movieline)

Hugh Grant vs Sarah Jessica Parker (UKPopSugar)

You tell me. Who rocks the ice cream suit hardest:

Brad “No, how YOU doin’?” Pitt, 50% of the world’s hottest couple,

The ever-dapper and apparently slightly wounded (but don’t let that influence your vote) man of letters, Tom Wolfe,

Or The Keeper of the Secret Spices himself, Colonel Sanders?

Let’s just say I got a little carried away yesterday, had my hands full, and didn’t get around to giving the blog all the loving care that it needed. So let’s keep this short and sweet.

CocoPerez: cuckoo! (EvilBeet)

Mischa Barton: gorgeous? (DListed)

Les Paul: deceased (Gawker)

Anna Faris: wed (DailyStab)

Vanessa Hudgens: Girl Scout? (CelebuWreck)

Lily Allen and Kate Moss: roll models! (CelebritySmack)

Family Guy’s Stewie: gay bonus George Clooney too! (CeleBitchy)

Kardashian: preggo (LaughingStork)

Channing Tatum: stripping! (BusyBeeBlogger)

Tori Spelling: handsy! (INeedMyFix)

Jaime Pressly: kidding! (AmyGrindhouse)

Gaddafi: chic! (AgentBedhead)

Dane Cook: censored (Websters)

Chace Crawford: coiffed (TenGossip)

Eli Roth: spent (SeriouslyOMG)

Peaches: purple (FabSugar)

Himbos: topless (UkPopSugar)

Ferris Bueller: speaks! (Movieline)

ScarJo: sings! (JustJared)

Olsen Twins: addicted (ImNotObsessed)

St Angelina: badass (GoFugYourself)

Mickey Rooney: alive! (GabbyBabble)

Megan Fox: servicey! (HolyMoly)

If you were going to be nominated as one half of a couple for the Best-Dressed Hall of Fame, wouldn’t you want to make sure your dress didn’t give you armpit boobies?

You have become my Great-Aunt Marge, heading off to Sexty+ Singles Bingo Night.