Nicole Kidman’s SAG Secret

Nicole Kidman is a square. Or at least a rectangle.

Nicole Kidman is a square. Or at least a rectangle.

You see it, don’t you?

Frankenstein was Fabulous

Frankenstein was Fabulous

A hairstyle that unfortunate is clearly simply trying to cover up a shocking secret. She’s long been rumoured to be more than a simple, natural beauty. The question is, just how much is nature and how much is technology? Only her hairdresser (and her hardware store) know for sure.

 

Jean Harlow, Thunder Thighs

Jean Harlow

Jean Harlow

Classic fashions are legendary for simple, flattering lines. Jean Harlow and we are happy to disabuse you all of this silly notion.

Prince H

Prince Heidi Ho

Prince Heidi Ho

HRH Prince Harry of Great Britain. Harry, short for Heidi, apparently. Dare we hope Heidi Ho?

Jeremy Renner’s new role

Jeremy Renner=Grumpycat

Jeremy Renner=Grumpycat

This is a brilliant piece of catsting!

On your Skarsgård, ladies!

Alexander Skarsgård ding dong

Alexander Skarsgård ding dong

Ding dong! We know the door is always open for Alexander Skarsgård. Unfortunately, from the slightly terrifying silhouette of his trousers, it appears you’re going to need to call for backup. Looks like more than one woman can handle. Twice the fun!

A Jennifer Aniston Sandwich

Aniston De Rossi DeGeneris

Aniston De Rossi DeGeneris

I know Aniston has her fans, and the only Vanity Fair magazine I have failed to buy in the last twenty years was the one with her on the cover, because it sold out, but I’m over that. So over that. I don’t blame anyone. Particularly not Jennifer Freaking Aniston. Noooo, not me.

Where was I? Oh, right, explaining why I ran this picture although I get on with Jen about as well as Angelina. Except Jen doesn’t know I’m alive. But other than that, the same.

I ran this picture because:

a) anything with Aniston is a guaranteed hit machine. Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s hired an army of Indian IT grads to sit there and churn out scripts to keep reloading pages with her on them.

b) it has Portia de Rossi in it, and I got her book Unbearable Lightness for Christmas and it is quite literally the best celebrity-written book I’ve ever read, not counting Stephen Fry’s, because Stephen Fry is not a celebrity, he is a demigod.

I’d no idea she was in law school when she broke for Hollywood, achieving near-instant success, nor any idea she’d been a child model. Nor that when she starred in the very enjoyable caper film Falsa Identidad (Who Is Cletus Tout?) she weighed less than 85 pounds, and passed out in the makeup chair. At one point in the book she mentioned how grateful she was to the wardrobe department at Ally McBeal for designing ingenious pads to round out her pants and skirts, so she didn’t look emaciated on-camera.

She never once thought of herself as anorexic or bulimic. She thought she was a “gym rat” who was concerned with fitness. She defined being in good shape as lying in her bed with one knee stacked on the other: if the thighs didn’t touch, she was fit. She was also less than a hundred pounds. Intervention after intervention went by without making a dent on her skewed self-image.

You’ll have to buy the book to find out how this A student, successful model, Hollywood A lister, and deeply reflective woman learned to identify, then overcome, a form of self-torture that she had been perfecting since she was twelve years old. Buy it. Anorexic or not, there are lessons in it for all of us.

Who Wore it Better: MJ Edition

Michael Jackson and the last two people indifferent to him

Michael Jackson and the last two people indifferent to him

In the accessory department, this is a close call. MJ wins on the shoes. Pennyloafers always win, and flesh-coloured shoes are some stripper novelty item that should never have entered the mainstream. But in the Purse Wars, I’m giving it to Granny in the Middle, even though I hate squashy bags. That 80′s applique on Michael’s bag is just Criminal.

All in the Family

Gosling on Gosling

Gosling on Gosling

Even when she’s borrowing her son’s girlfriend’s clothes to accompany him on the red carpet, Ryan Gosling’s mother Donna never lets him forget where he came from.

PS I had surgery once, and as I slowly came out of the anaesthetic I said to my mother, who was wearing a belt in that exact shade of yellow-brown, “Where did you ever find a belt to match those diarrhoea coloured pants you have?” She later told me, “That’s when I knew you were gonna be okay. You were yourself again.”