Jesus Returns!

Jesus is coming

Jesus is coming

Actually, you can forget that “is coming” part. Jesus is here!

For thousands of years, theologians have debated the form in which Jesus would return: humble carpenter, glorious ruler, media phenomenon. Now, my friends, the speculation is over. We know what form He will take: fabulous!

Jesus’s “I Am” statements are a key source of Christian doctrine. In fact, He must have been pestered half to blasphemy with all the ancient Baba Wawas and Oprahs saying, “Tell us about yourself,” to judge by the number of times he answered it. Among current Earth dwellers, who can mistake the astonishing resemblance between those statements and these, by Italian fashion designer Manuele Malenotti?

Walking on water? Check. Flying through clouds? Check. Reference to children? Check. Manual labour? Check.

Although I am not entirely sure Jesus ever said, “I am your hangover on Sunday night.”

Hump Day Hunk: Julian Sands. Remember Julian Sands?

Julian Sands is a Greenie Global Green USA's 6th Annual Pre-Oscar Party Benefiting Green Schools - Arrivals

Julian Sands is a Greenie Global Green USA’s 6th Annual Pre-Oscar Party Benefiting Green Schools

He may not be the biggest star in Hollywood (and it may not be 1989 anymore, alas) but Julian Sands still has it (if by “it” you mean a vague resemblance to Julian Assange, at least moreso than Jeremy Renner and we do).

Liz Taylor, Vice vs Virtue

Liz Taylor

Liz Taylor

Not the first to say it, but by god the most plausible!

He-Man and the Masters of Insouciant Style

She Ra Hipster

She Ra Hipster

Actually, although my initial impulse was to mock the He-Man and Masters of the Universe Hipster versions, I have to say, the entire series makes far more sense if you just assume everyone is bisexual, including Battlecat.

Did someone say “Boo Boo?”

Honey Boo Boo Chile

Honey Boo Boo Chile

“SERIOUS INJURIES ONLY” that must be one hell of a Boo Boo! The outfit itself looks like a Bob Mackie-designed menstrual pad from the Whore of Babylon’s laundry bin.

Hump Day Hunk: ASkars had a little lamb

Skarsgard had a little lamb

Skarsgard had a little lamb

And boy was SHE lucky. But before you go bleating that she was under age, I will remind you this was taken in New Zealand.

Happy Hoff Day!

Don't hassle the Hoff. Not when he's in that position

Don’t hassle the Hoff. Not when he’s in that position

Happy Hoff Day everyone! Just celebrate very circumspectly; we don’t want to imagine what would happen to this dogpile if they got excited!

P.S. In August, The Hoff, will be appearing at the Leicester Square Theatre, in what’s being billed as an intimate and hilarious evening a one-man celebration of all things Hasselhoff (which means the Manolo has undoubtedly booked his London tour through Celebrity Planet.)

True Form

Clara Bow Knows

Clara Bow Knows

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how a lady accessorizes to read the Racing Form.