Ayyyy!

Normally, I have a bit of a crush on Asher Levine’s superhero-worthy collections, particularly the footwear, which epitomizes Fierce.

Asher Levine street superhero look

And for the not-so-tender tootsies:

Asher Levine boot for all your ass kicking needs

but occasionally even the most brilliant and beloved of designers has That Moment. You know, That Moment of Inspiration where he suddenly sees something truly new, unique, daring…and someone should have leaned over and whispered “No.”

And That Moment when you think it’s a good idea to festoon the torso with an intricate filigree of intestines? That, my friend, IS That Moment.

Mai showldar colons: let me show u dem

Just offal.

I’m a bad, bad blogger. Here I am all caught up in the playoffs and I let you go without your Hump Day Hunk. Well, no worries, he’s here now and none the worse for being late. At this age (even older than me!) he needs his beauty rest.

George Hamilton's mantle has been taken up

Someone needs to show this photo to Davy Jones, stat! And while we’re at it, this one as well:

Yes. I need to look at this again. And again. And, possibly, again.

Oh, snap! Isn’t it easier to just order the collection from Amazon? And on that happy, life-saving note, let’s have a Golden Girls CockTea and share some gossip links. Roll up your caftan sleeves, because this is juicy.

Golden Girls CockTeas. Thank you for being a bartender!

Some people are too smart to fall for Nickelback. Like these Irish folk dancing PhD candidates. (raincoaster)

To serve man. With appropriate wines and side dishes. No really, this is a how-to article (ManoloFood)

Brad, Pitts. I liked Colin Farrell’s look better on Colin Farrell, did you? (Ayyyy)

My boyfriend wrote a book about me and here is my review of it. Oh, this should be juicy! (Crasstalk)

When duckfaces collide! Kim Kardashian and Snooki prepare to ruin popular entertainment for a generation. (AgentBedhead)

Teach me how to Dougie. Over and Over and Over and Over and Over and Over. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Dude looks like a lady…in the right light, if you squint a bit, so another dude said Sure, why not? (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Oh come ON! That’s Arnold in drag, you’re not fooling anyone. (CelebritySmack)

Kirk Cameron needs to adjust his medication. I don’t think Stephen Hawking ever did heroin. (CelebVIPLounge)

It’s Lady Gaga’s world. We just read magazines in it. Magazines that tell us it’s her world. (DailyStab)

Happy Birthday, Trent. My Future Husband is looking good! Nice of his current wife to warm him up for me (DippedInCream)

Eva’s revenge: ZsaZsa in a coma! Magda still dead. (EarSucker)

Vanessa Hudgens gives up on dreams of acting, joins Glee. She’ll be opening for Nickelback soon. (FitFabCeleb)

Fergie, Duchess of Pork, butters up the mealticket. God knows she’s unemployable (GirlsTalkinSmack)

and Liza and Halston were there, too! The world says good-bye to Oprah. (HaveUHeard)

Two and a half men. Your guess whether it’s Cryer, Kutcher or Jones who’s the half. (HollywoodHiccups)

I’m sorry but this is no Robert Redford. Or Nick the Narrator, for that matter. Not even a passable Sam Waterston. (INeedMyFix)

Tori Spelling doesn’t look a day over 45. No seriously, check this out. But bring your eyebleach. (MathewGuiver)

ABSNEY! Britney’s getting her body back, bitches! (PoorBritney)

Colin Firth soaking wet. Bubble bath. Wine. What are you still doing reading this? (Swoonworthy)

This is not the dress with which to wear a novelty bra, darling! Reality stars: You can dress them up…wait, no, you can’t. (TheSkinny)

Lady Gaga guards the mouth of Hell. This explains a great deal, if you really think about it. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

LeAnn Rimes with whatever rhymes with skeleton

She’s obviously been working on her washboard…sternum. Congratulations, LeAnn, your preparations for the Crapture are going well: ain’t no way any zombie would look at you twice. There’s obviously no good eating there, even if you’re just looking for brains.

Let’s wash out our brains with a good old-fashioned and extremely fattening Zombie cocktail while reading about LeAnn’s fellow celebrity sufferers.

Celebrities love Chihuahuas! Trembling, fanged mole rat things. Guess what? I don’t. (raincoaster)

Celebrities love their mommies…until they grow up to hate them and have to share the pool boy and the coke with them and DINA LOHAN I AM LOOKING AT YOU. (Ayyyy)

Celebrities love Canuck Coffee. Hey hoser, Red Green is one sex-ay hunk of man meat, eh? I’d let him take a penalty shot any time, know what I mean? Eh? (ManoloFood)

Celebrities will kick you when you’re down. Vincent Price, Peter Lorre and Boris Karloff walk into a funeral…and pick on my favorite sexy Romanian. TEAM BELA!!! (Lolebrity)

Celebrities finally find something that’ll get them off Twitter. We don’t mean to imply they’ll be Raptured, just that it’s hard to tweet while running from zombies. (raincoastermedia)

Celebrities get cancelled! And a damn good thing, too, otherwise we’d never shut the tube off and go outside. Or at least to the internet. Where we Follow all the same celebrities on Twitter. So, yeah. (Crasstalk)

Celebrities get into fights and get their asses handed to them on Twitter just like normal people. What, you’re not like that? Um, no. Me either. (AgentBedhead)

Celebrities like to embarrass one another on camera. Ted Nugent pwns Mike Huckabee over petting a pussy. (BusyBeeBlogger)

Celebrities have ALL dated John Mayer. No, really. All of them. (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Celebrities used to look a lot better. Back before they invented HD video, that is. (CelebritySmack)

Celebrities are not men. They are Has-Beens! (CelebVIPLounge)

Celebrities love those fanged naked mole rats even better when they’re in slippers. Puppehs in slippers. PUPPIES IN SLIPPERS, PEOPLE! (CityRag)

Celebrities have embarrassing relatives. Just like us! Which reminds me of Oscar Wilde’s saying that we, all of us, have embarrassing friends, and we are all, each of us, somebody’s embarrassing friend. (DailyStab)

Celebrities get their heads photoshopped on other peoples’ bodies. Just like us? Um…well…you haven’t met my friends yet, have you? But I bet you’ve seen them (photoshopped) naked. Damn, I’ve gotta get off Facebook. (EarSucker)

Celebrities like to punk the nation from time to time. As if making us look at his hair weren’t punishment enough. (FitFabCeleb)

Celebrities have way better cars than we do. I’m MORTIFIED Amber Rose has a better car than I ever will. Surely once she sits down she’s not a star anymore? For her and the Kardashians, someone should invent a car you can drive with your ass hanging out. The public demands it. (GirlsTalkinSmack)

Celebrities do stupid things when they’re teenagers. They also do them when they’re grown up, but then nobody wants to see them topless anyway. Someone PLEASE tell Mickey Rourke this. (HaveUHeard)

Celebrities mortify their children to the point where they disown their parents. This will not end well. At least he didn’t change it to “Patrick Smith.” (HollywoodHiccups)

Celebrities really, really want to concentrate on their music. OH GOD WON’T YOU PEOPLE LEAVE SPARKLES ALONE? He just wants to be emo in peace. (INeedMyFix)

Celebrities are dorks. Especially to poor, addled Paula Abdul. (MathewGuiver)

Celebrities do NOT “eat anything I want” and “never work out.” They build the pyramids before lunch and then tear them down again after the protein smoothie, just to look good for you. God! You’re so demanding! (PoorBritney)

Celebrities get into bar fights. Well, only Lohans and Kardashians, but really who can tell the difference anymore? They’re two families in search of a trailer park. (PopBytes)

Celebrities are birds of a feather. For, you know, enough in sponsorships and promotion, they sure are. (ReallyRich)

Celebrity blind item. Geddit? Oh, why are you still here when there’s a half-naked man on the other side of the link? (Swoonworthy)

Celebrities appear to be morphing into Marie Osmond. At least this one does. Remember when she used to be hot? (TheSkinny)

Celebrities: they’re only human. Well, the Canadian ones are. I mean, check out that Red Green video at the top of the links. That’s no Greek God. (TheSkinnyChic)

Selah.

Here’s America’s Sweetheart Brad Pitt at Cannes this week, alongside a shot of him in the same spot two years ago.

It's Pitt vs Pitt

What do you think? I’m of the opinion that I like the Colin Farrell look better on Colin Farrell, myself.

Colin Farrell looks askance at Brad Pitt

You remember our darling Mystery Mother’s Day celebrity and her mom? We’ve got a winner:

Mystery Mommy and Me

Jo
May 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Dietrich!

YES! At last we have a Guess the Celeb contest that goes longer than one day! Congratulations to the sharp-eyed Jo: congratulations and imaginary swag. For our new champeen, we have the very Dietrich-worthy backless sequined silk-chiffon gown by Ashish.

John Paul George and Loser

Ringo always had a propensity to play the fool unwittingly; it was this and not his equally regrettable penchant for country music, that led to the endless “but without Ringo, they could have gone far” arguments.

Poor dweeb. Let’s drink to Ringo with a Ringo Cocktail (much better than a John, a Paul, or a George, it must be said) and distract ourselves from the pathetic meaninglessness of existence with some gossip links.

Hideous video proof of the atavistic survival of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Cthulhu-worshipping Deep Ones. In related news, not all Brazilians are attractive in bikinis. Who knew? (raincoaster)

Saturday Caption Contest: Janice Dickinson. Caption this avatar of style and grace for fantastic, completely imaginary prizes (Ayyyy)

VODKANAPPING!!! I repeat: VODKANAPPING! Have you seen this Crystal Head vodka roaming the Californian countryside? If so, forget the police and call me: I’ll bring Campari. Negroni time, baby! (ManoloFood)

Severus Snape schools Voldemort. Oh, this will not end well: probably in slash, in fact. Yes, all wizard battles should be settled in X-rated slash fanfics, if you axe me which I note you did not but you should anyway. Not that I would write that. Well, not for free, anyway (Lolebrity)

Anthony Burgess is more prolific than you FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!! Seriously, won’t this dude ever let up? What’s his fucking problem anyway? (Crasstalk)

Handy-dandy how to handle internet drama tips for fun and/or profit. Or just cheap laughs sometimes (raincoastermedia)

Lady Gaga’s shoes almost outed Ryan Seacrest. Finally, she performs a useful social function. Almost. Insert tortured Cinderella/sex toy/Freudian metaphor here (AgentBedhead)

Matthew Perry attempts to focus on sobriety. It’s a lot easier to focus when you close one eye, dude. I uh, read it somewhere. (BusyBeeBlogger)

The Wisteria Sisters strike again! Kate Middleton’s sister climbs into the ranks of the aristocracy (CelebDirtyLaundry)

Wonder Woman is Dead!!! And the universe strokes its adamantium bracelets and goes “dodged a bullet there”. (CelebritySmack)

The Gouvernator has a plus one. Or two. Or three. Or, really, how desperate ARE the women of California? Seriously! (CelebVIPLounge)

Ashton Kutcher cast in Two and a Half Men. He has tons of experience being the baby of the family, so this should work out well. (DailyStab)

Mariah Carey almost loses her twin unicorn babies! Child Protection Services are just a bunch of big ol’ anti-partyite poopooheads. (EarSucker)

KK and KO show off the latest in “capable of withstanding incredible horizontal tension” couture. Sponsored by Azzedine Alaia for Michelin and the Jaws of Life. (FitFabCeleb)

14 celebs getting their drank on! Cheers, we’ll drink to that. To the point where we can’t see Snooki’s burnt mug clearly anymore and can go to sleep happy. In related news, Irish Pajamas is a thing (GirlsTalkinSmack)

This isn’t the first time a police escort has taken a 16-year-old home, but it’s the first time Ryan Seacrest’s dream ever came to actual life knowmasayin? (HaveUHeard)

The Muppets are back, bitchez! Lock up your stuffed toys and hide your anthropomorphic pets! (HollywoodHiccups)

Britney’s Dramamobile is on display. But then, so is everything of Britney’s, all the damn time. (PoorBritney)

Ashton Kutcher will have you know he’s a man of parts. And you can see most of them in this picture. (SwoonWorthy)

Caption this avatar of grace and beauty in the comments. The winner gets fabulous imaginary prizes!

She's asking for it. Give it to her in the comments