Reader question: The bottom half

Question: I’ve been told by trusted sources that I have a great pair of legs and my ass is pretty hot too.  I guess God gave them to me to make up for the lesser qualities like my rampant narcissism.  How should I show these glorious body parts off to their best advantage? PS I hate wearing skirts and dresses.

Answer:  I am delighted to play a part in encouraging your vanity.  Allow me to introduce you to a wonderful, magical thing called spandex.  Behold how it clings to you like a needy lover, making you feel even more sexier than you really are. From the waist down you are as impressive as a pair of freshly shined shoes! You can do no better in showcasing your perfect proportions, except maybe with body paint but that can’t be as easily removed with a bucket of talcum powder.

And if your top half isn’t too bad as well, why not spandex it all? Oh what the heck – spandex it all, I say and damn the consequences!